Fatal Tide - Iris Johansen [46]
“For Christ's sake, you were sixteen. I wouldn't have let you go off with Lontana.”
“You don't understand. My age didn't matter. I hadn't been a child for a long, long time. I was like that little girl in Interview with the Vampire, a grown-up frozen in a child's body. Kemal always understood that about me.” She shrugged. “Phil was done with his research on the oceanic vents off the coast of Chile and was going off on an exploratory trip to the Azores. I went to the Last Home and asked him to take me with him. I'd known him for years. He and Kemal got along fine after Phil started to hire out the Last Home to the Save the Dolphin foundation's observation trips. Phil and I meshed well, and he needed someone to keep his books, deal with his creditors, and keep his feet on the ground.”
“And Kemal didn't come after you?”
“I called and talked to him. He made me promise to call him if I was ever in trouble.”
“Which you probably didn't do.”
“What's the good of letting someone go if you jerk them back? He also persuaded me to accept his paying for my education and the fee for going to an analyst. I didn't really want to keep on with the sessions. I didn't think they were helping much. I was still having the nightmares.”
“But then you found Carolyn Mulan.”
“Then I found Carolyn. No mumbo jumbo. No pity. She let me talk. Then she'd say yes, it was ugly. Yes, I can see how you'd wake up screaming. But it's over and you're still standing. You can't let it beat you. You have to deal with it. That was her favorite phrase. Just deal with it.”
“You were lucky to have her in your corner.”
“Yes, but she wasn't lucky. If she hadn't known me, she'd still be alive.” She shook her head. “She'd hate me blaming myself. That was one of my problems. It's easy to teach children blame. If I wasn't bad, why was I being punished? Somewhere inside I thought it was my fault I ended up at Kafas.”
“Then you really were crazy. That's like saying someone tied to the railroad tracks is to blame if the train runs over them.”
“Carolyn agreed with you. It took us a long time to get me over that hurdle. She said blame wasn't healthy and I should deal with it. So I'll deal with it.” She stared him in the eye. “But I'll also deal with Archer. He doesn't deserve to live. He's worse than those men who came to screw a little girl in a white organdy dress. He reminds me of Irmak. He deals in death as well as sex.”
“And you're ready to take him on all by yourself. You're going to let that pervert murmur in your ear and you'll just take it. Isn't that sweet?”
He had been so outwardly calm that she hadn't realized the fury that was seething beneath. She noticed it now. It was tensing every muscle of his body. “I won't have to do it by myself. You're going to help.”
“How kind of you to let me have a small part.” He took a step closer to her. “Do you have any idea what I'm feeling right now? You tell me a story that makes me want to run out and carve up everyone who screwed that little girl in the harem. Then you tell me I have to stand by and watch Archer hurt you again.”
He was angry. She could feel the rage vibrating through him. “I hate being helpless too. But that little girl doesn't exist any longer.”
“I think she does. And what do you mean by offering to go to bed with me? How the hell do you think I'd feel when I found out that I'd screwed a victim from that damn place?”
“I'm not a victim. I've even had sex since that time. Twice. Carolyn thought it would be good for me.”
“And was it good for you?”
“It wasn't unpleasant.” She looked away from him. “Why are we talking about this? You turned me down anyway.”
“Because there's not a doubt in my mind it would have happened. I'm like all those other sons of bitches who wanted to screw you. Shit, I still want to do it.” He whirled and moved toward the sliding glass door. “Which, considering the story you just told me, makes me feel real good about myself. But don't worry: