Fima - Amos Oz [44]
Fima almost interrupted her to say: But we're all like that; that's why we've lost the state. But he restrained himself and said nothing. He merely made a point of carefully putting out the cigarette stub that Annette had left smoldering on the edge of the ashtray. He finished off his sandwich and still felt hungry.
"We put together our savings, our allowances from our parents, and we buy a small flat in Givat Shaul; we buy furniture, a refrigerator, a stove, we choose curtains together. We never disagree. All respectful and friendly. He simply enjoys giving way to me, at least that's what I think at the time. Friendly is the right word: we both try our best to be good the whole time. To be fair. We compete with each other at being considerate. Then our daughter is born, and, two years later, our son. Yeri, naturally, is a reasonable, devoted parent. Consistent. Stable. The correct word is reliable. He's happy washing diapers, he knows how to clean the mosquito nets, learns from books how to cook a meal and look after plants. He takes the children into town whenever the burdens of work allow. In time he even improves in bed. Gradually he realizes I'm not made of glass, if you know what I mean. Occasionally he can tell a funny story over a meal. Still, he also starts to develop one or two habits I find quite irritating. Little inoffensive habits that won't go away. Tapping on things with his finger, for instance. Not like a doctor tapping on a patient's chest. More like tapping on a door. He's sitting reading the paper, and all the time he's unconsciously tapping on the arm of his chair. As if he's trying to get in. He locks himself in the bathroom, splashes around in the bath for half an hour, and all the time he's tapping on the tiles as if he's searching for a secret compartment. Or his habit of saying in Yiddish "Azoy instead of replying to what you're saying to him. I tell him I've found a mistake in the electricity bill, and he says, ' Azoy.' Our little girl tells him her doll is angry with her, and he smiles, 'Azoy.' I intervene, and say, Why don't you listen to what your children are saying once in a while? and all he can say is, Azoy. Or the sarcastic whistle he lets out through the gap in his front teeth: it's probably not a whistle, not sarcastic at all, just letting the air out through his teeth. No matter how often I tell him it's driving me insane, he can't stop it. He doesn't even seem to notice he's done it again. But when all's said and done, these are minor irritants; you can learn to live with them. There are drunken husbands, lazy husbands, adulterous brutes, perverts, lunatics. In any case, I may well have developed some habits myself that he doesn't like but says nothing about. There's no point in making a big fuss about his tapping and whistling, which he can't even control. So the years go by. We close in the balcony to make an extra room; we take a trip to Europe, buy a small car, replace our first furniture. We even get a German shepherd. We get all four of our parents into a private old folks' home. Yeri does his bit; he tries to make me happy, he's pleased with everything we've achieved together. Or so I think. And he goes on whistling and tapping and occasionally muttering Azoy.
Fima was thinking: The parliament building surrounded by tanks, paratroopers seizing the broadcasting station, a colonels' putsch—that's not what will happen here. Here we'll just have creeping deterioration. An inch a day. People won't even notice the lights going out. Because they won't go out: they'll fade out. Either we'll finally get our act together and deliberately precipitate a serious national crisis, or else there just won't