First Daughter - Eric van Lustbader [115]
The fact that his daughter had lived with the same sense of being an Outsider that Jack had lived with all his life shocked him to his core. Or maybe, if he was honest with himself, what shocked him was that he hadn't recognized her as being an Outsider.
"The thing for me was that I always thought my being an Outsider was because of my father's political ambitions," Alli went on. "From as far back as I can remember, all he talked about, all he planned for was being president. There were times I actually thought he'd started making plans to become president when he was in grade school.
"Anyway, it was Emma who made me realize that being an Outsider had nothing to do with my father; it came from inside myself."
Old Muddy had segued into the slow, rueful "My Home Is in the Delta," one of Gus's favorite tracks.
He said, "So Emma thought of herself as an Outsider."
"She didn't just think it," Alli said at once. "She was an Outsider."
Jack shook his head. "I'm not sure I understand."
"At first, I didn't understand it either." Alli gathered up Jack's plate and cutlery, put it on top of hers, took the small stack to the sink.
"Leave those," Jack said, "I'll take care of the washing later."
"That's all right." Alli turned on the water. "I like doing this because no one's told me to, no one's even expecting me to."
She squeezed some dishwashing liquid onto a Dobie, set about her job with some concentration. "I didn't understand it," she said, "until I took the time to get to know her. Then it hit me: Unlike most girls our age, Alli didn't define or judge herself in terms of other girls her age. She knew who she was from the inside out. And because of that, she had a kind of—I don't know—a savage energy."
Finished, Alli dried her hands, returned to the table, and sat back down. "It was Emma who introduced me to Hunter S. Thompson, a modern-day Outsider if ever there was one. But she also suggested I read Blake." She cocked her head. "You know William Blake?"
Jack felt a little thrill travel through him at Blake's name. He had read and enjoyed Blake during his time in the District's public libraries, which continued long after he was once again left on his own. But he couldn't forget the telling excerpt Chris Armitage had quoted to him and Nina the other day. "I do."
"Emma adored Blake. She identified with him intensely. And when I read him, I got her fully, because her favorite quote was this." She closed her eyes, her brow furrowed in concentration. " 'I must create my own system or be enslaved by another man's. My business is not to reason and compare; my business is to create.' "
"Emma wanted to create something."
Alli nodded. "Something important, something lasting."
"What, exactly?"
The tears came again, leaking out of the corners of her eyes.
A sudden awful premonition gripped Jack's heart. "What is it?"
Alli rose, paced around the room. Muddy was in the middle of "You Can't Lose What You Ain't Never Had."
She bit her lower lip, said, "Honestly, I don't know whether I should tell you."
"Alli, you've come this far," Jack said. "Emma doesn't need to be protected anymore."
"Yeah, I know, but . . ." She exhaled slowly, said, "She was going to quit school."
Jack was flooded with relief. "You mean she didn't like it at Langley Fields."
"No, I mean school—any school."
Now Jack felt bewildered. "But what was she going to do?"
"Oh God, I don't want to break a trust."
"But you said Emma wanted you to tell me," Jack said. He found that he was perfectly serious.
Alli nodded, but her expression was bleak. She came and sat down close to him. "She was going to do what she felt she had to do." There were tears in her eyes. "She was making plans to join E-Two."
THIRTY - NINE
THE IMAGE of Calla Myers hung in the air, the projector enlarging her face to Hollywood size. No one in the room, least of all Secretary Dennis Paull, failed to notice the resemblance to