Five Flavors of Dumb - Antony John [32]
“You sure?” He squeezed my arm, just once, firm and comforting. I could feel the warmth of his hand through my sweater.
I swallowed hard. “Absolutely,” I lied.
Ed nodded and turned away while I examined the place where his hand had been. Seconds later, I glanced up to see Phil waving his right arm frantically.
I launched myself at the ON AIR button, and immediately Phil began rambling into his microphone. Then he paused and pressed a button in front of him, and the studio was filled with fuzz and static that resembled Dumb’s recording of “Loving Every Part of You.”
Behind the glass, Phil glared at me.“Pay attention,” he mouthed, all super-slow and super-large and super-duper-patronizing. Schmuck.
I took a deep breath and tried to convince myself this interview wasn’t just a gargantuan mistake. It would’ve helped if I could have seen the band, but they all had their backs to me. I tried to read their body language, but they were all sitting bolt upright, which either meant (a) they had good posture, or (b) they were petrified.
One minute down, twenty-nine to go.
When the static fizzled out, Phil leaned forward and resumed his monologue. I could even hear his voice, but the studio monitor inflected everything with a buzzing that obscured the words. It was a full minute before he smiled at Kallie to indicate she could reply, but I couldn’t see her lips. She began to hunch her shoulders too, a far cry from her customary breezy movements. I wished I knew what she was saying. I felt so helpless and inadequate, just watching the rise and fall of her shoulders, like that gave me any clue at all. But then I noticed Phil, beaming at her every word. Maybe Kallie had a talent for talking about soft rock after all.
Phil launched into another extended question, then stared at Kallie expectantly. She seemed more relaxed this time. I leaned back and forced myself to breathe normally again.
I was still focused on my breathing when I noticed Phil waving his left hand energetically. I pounced on the OFF AIR button and tried to remain stoic as he rolled his eyes.
Three minutes later I was directed to put them back ON AIR, and this time I never took my eyes off Phil. No matter what, I didn’t want to miss another cue.
Phil’s questions kept coming, and Kallie’s answers seemed to delight him. He laughed with childlike innocence, waggled his finger, clapped appreciatively, then licked his lips and drank from a cracked mug like a man dying of thirst. When he thunked it down on the desk before him, he turned bright red, and it dawned on me that he was acting the way Josh did around Kallie. In fact, he seemed to have regressed about thirty years, practically leering at her.
Oh God. Phil was coming on to Kallie.
Gross.
I checked the other band members and quickly worked out that Phil’s crush on Kallie was the least of my worries. Josh had shifted his chair so that it touched Kallie’s, and his arm rubbed hers in a proprietary “she’s taken, dude” way that made me want to retch. Meanwhile, Tash had fully turned her chair ninety degrees, to get a better view of the girl she evidently planned to dismember later that evening. I glanced at my watch and willed the remaining few minutes to pass without violence.
As soon as Phil signaled for me to take them OFF AIR, I gladly obliged, then pushed open the door to the booth and began ushering Dumb’s members away. Phil’s eyes remained locked on Kallie’s butt as she exited the room, her face caught somewhere between surprise at all the attention she’d received and fear at the vague premonition she was about to suffer a Tash takedown.
“That Kallie is a stunner, huh?” sighed Phil, as soon as we were alone.
I tried not to gag. “She’s seventeen.”
“That’s okay,” he laughed, scratching his belly. “I can wait a year.”
“You owe us some money,” I shot back, trying to redirect the conversation before I called him something offensive.
“Oh yeah, expenses. Ten bucks okay?” he said, reaching into his wallet.
“Thirty.”
“What? No way.”
“Ten for parking. Five for gas. Five for discretionary refreshments.