Five Little Pigs - Agatha Christie [66]
We were made for each other and we’d found each other—and we both knew we’d got to be together always.
But something else happened, too. The unfinished picture began to haunt Amyas. He said to me: “Damned funny, I couldn’t paint you before—you yourself got in the way of it. But I want to paint you, Elsa. I want to paint you so that that picture will be the finest thing I’ve ever done. I’m itching and aching now to get at my brushes to see you sitting there on that hoary old chestnut of a battlement wall with the conventional blue sea and the decorous English trees—and you—you—sitting there like a discordant shriek of triumph.”
He said: “And I’ve got to paint you that way! And I can’t be fussed and bothered while I’m doing it. When the picture’s finished I’ll tell Caroline the truth and we’ll get the whole messy business cleared up.”
I said: “Will Caroline make a fuss about divorcing you?”
He said he didn’t think so. But you never knew with women.
I said I was sorry if she was going to be upset, but after all, I said, these things did happen.
He said: “Very nice and reasonable, Elsa. But Caroline isn’t reasonable, never has been reasonable, and certainly isn’t going to feel reasonable. She loves me, you know.”
I said I understood that, but if she loved him, she’d put his happiness first, and at any rate she wouldn’t want to keep him if he wanted to be free.
He said: “Life can’t really be solved by admirable maxims out of modern literature. Nature’s red in tooth and claw, remember.”
I said: “Surely we are all civilized people nowadays?” and Amyas laughed. He said: “Civilized people my foot! Caroline would probably like to take a hatchet to you. She might do it too. Don’t you realize, Elsa, that she’s going to suffer—suffer? Don’t you know what suffering means?”
I said: “Then don’t tell her.”
He said: “No. The break’s got to come. You’ve got to belong to me properly, Elsa. Before all the world. Openly mine.”
I said: “Suppose she won’t divorce you?”
He said: “I’m not afraid of that.”
I said: “What are you afraid of then?”
And then he said slowly: “I don’t know….”
You see, he knew Caroline. I didn’t.
If I’d had any idea….
We went down again to Alderbury. Things were difficult this time. Caroline had got suspicious. I didn’t like it—I didn’t like it—I didn’t like it a bit. I’ve always hated deceit and concealment. I thought we ought to tell her. Amyas wouldn’t hear of it.
The funny part of it was that he didn’t really care at all. In spite of being fond of Caroline and not wanting to hurt her, he just didn’t care about the honesty or dishonesty of it all. He was painting with a kind of frenzy, and nothing else mattered. I hadn’t seen him in one of his working spells before. I realized now what a really great genius he was. It was natural for him to be so carried away that all the ordinary decencies didn’t matter. But it was different for me. I was in a horrible position. Caroline resented me—and quite rightly. The only thing to put the position quite straight was to be honest and tell her the truth.
But all Amyas would say was that he wasn’t going to be bothered with scenes and fusses until he’d finished the picture. I said there probably wouldn’t be a scene. Caroline would have too much dignity and pride for that.
I said: “I want to be honest about it all. We’ve got to be honest!”
Amyas said: “To hell with honesty. I’m painting a picture, damn it.”
I did see his point of view, but he wouldn’t see mine.
And in the end I broke down. Caroline had been talking of some plan she and Amyas were going to carry out next autumn. She talked about it quite confidently. And I suddenly felt it was too abominable, what we were doing—letting her go on like this—and perhaps, too, I was angry, because she was really being very unpleasant to me in a clever sort of way that one couldn’t take hold of.
And so I came out with the truth. In a way, I still think I was right. Though, of course, I wouldn’t have done it if I’d had the faintest idea what was to come of it.
The clash came right away. Amyas was furious