Flashback - Diane Carey [81]
Yet something was different as he gazed out over the crew, almost all humans. He felt more comfortable here than usual. Despite their cloying glances, he sensed an underlying care in their eyes and warmth in their disquiet.
How different this was from those weeks aboard the Excelsior, during which he had felt only lack of understanding and disapproval, yet he had had no
right to disapprove but his own Vulcan arrogance. Jealousy, he decided. The humans had accomplished so much in only a few generations, while the Vulcans languished in studious isolation for centuries.
He had discovered in the years between that he would rather be part of the accomplishment.
All these people were willing to risk themselves for him, and Captain Janeway and Kes were willing to go into the most unbelievably foreign territory, the territory of the mind. Such ground was strange enough for a Vulcan, much less for creatures of emotion. The ship and its troubles, Chakotay and the others, all thrust into turmoil, yet had controlled themselves and worked the problems through without sacrificing him, which certainly would have been his own consideration. All had been willing to risk everything for him.
Ah-Neelix.
Creeping toward him, Neelix emerged from the galley, shoulders hunched, chin tucked, eyes sorrowful.
"Mr. Vulcan . . . I'm ... so glad to see you."
"Neelix," Tuvok greeted immediately, glad to have the first hurdle jumped. "I know what happened. I understand your position, and I agree with you. Risking Kes along with the captain was inexcusable. I would have . . . chosen termination had I known."
"Oh, no-" Neelix clasped Tuvok's arm. "I never really wanted that. That's what we were all afraid you'd do."
Tuvok paused, seeing the guilt riddling Neelix's face and bearing. Suddenly he understood that guilt. He had experienced it through the actions of the memory virus, and now saw that Neelix was experiencing guilt despite having done the right thing and making a perfectly logical argument.
Now that he knew what it was like, he began to regret that humans, Talaxians, Ocampas-all these creatures of top-floating emotion-had to bear guilt at all.
"I bear you no ill will, Neelix," he said, mustering his version of warmth. "I have found there is something to learn from charging into new experiences. You, all of you, so effectively deal with emotion rather than running from it. There are certain advantages you have in handling feelings rather than banishing them. I owe my life to that determination. I know that in the past months you have made my comfort your personal mandate, and I have rudely resisted your efforts. But now," he said with an unexpected sigh, "I realize I should be more open to new things, just as my captain and friends fearlessly strode into danger on my behalf. Even into things that are not logical at all. Emotional beings seem to try newness for its own sake, an d are almost always charged by the result."
"And we would all do it again for you," Neelix said, more quietly than usual. "I was just... so worried about Kes."
Tuvok nodded. "I know you were. After eighty years, I finally understand why Captain Sulu risked the ship and his career as he did, going in to save
fellow crewmen when it would make more sense not to. Neelix, I would like you to aid me in learning how to do this. Perhaps we can start simply. Here, today. I will try any culinary experiment you wish to attempt."
Neelix's whole posture changed. "Oh, Mr. Vulcan! You've made me so happy! I won't let you down, believe me! I'll try and try until I find some way to make Vulcan dishes for you just right! I'll experiment day and night!"
"Thank you," Tuvok said. "But also ... I will try any non-Vulcan dishes you create. After all, Neelix, the goal is to widen my horizons. Perhaps, with gradual conditioning, I too can learn to risk everything for the right reason."
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