Flex_ Do Something Different - Ben [40]
The experiencing self is our online experience as it happens. It includes how we automatically feel and think at the time we are doing something. It’s where our habits reside.
The reflecting self is our concept of ourselves, our memories and the way we see, and want to see, ourselves in the past and future.
An incoherent individual’s experiences (what they do) are at odds with their reflections (what they say or what they really want). In stressed or inflexible people the two can be poles apart.
42. Interactions between the two selves
There can be various interactions between the experiencing self and the reflecting self:
The experiencing self functions most of the time without effort. As the source of our habitual behaviours it is influenced heavily by automatic triggers and the demands of gratification. These habitual automatic processes drive our thoughts and behaviours and these forces often have the upper hand in determining what we think and do at any point in time. This self uses fewer of the brain’s resources.
The reflecting self remembers what we have done before and what our intentions are. It can influence what we do by exerting effort and conscious control. It may contribute to our feelings at the time by automatic reactions (of guilt, for example, if we are experiencing something our reflecting self knows is bad for us).
Effort is needed to allow our reflecting self to take charge of what we do in the moment. At times of incoherence – when the natural needs of the experiencing self are at odds with the reflecting self – this is especially important. These are times when the person can lapse back into habit and hedonism. However, they are also the times when developmental and flex growth potential is greatest. Also, people often try to justify the actions of the experiencing self and in so doing may reveal their incoherence. But if there is coherence between the experiencing and reflecting self, the person will usually seem to be unstressed, comfortable and sorted.
43. Experiencing and reflecting on our own development
This distinction between our experiencing and reflecting selves is fundamental to understanding how we can achieve personal coherence. It is also key to knowing how we can succeed in making desired changes. Beneficial change cannot happen without changes to both the experiencing and the reflecting self.
Most personal development programmes and behaviour change interventions fail to do this. This is shown in Figure 5 below.
Most programmes aim at either the experiencing self or at the reflecting self but don’t affect both. For example, information and education target the reflecting self. They try to change people’s thoughts and intentions, but that often doesn’t affect experience. People know what they should do but don’t do it. Another technique, nudging, has caught people’s attention lately. This involves changing the way choices are presented to make the best one easier to choose. For example, many people fail to register as organ donors even though they would be willing to give their organs after death. A ‘nudge’ technique might involve making it easy for you to tick a box to register, for example, when applying for a new driving licence or passport. People might also be ‘nudged’ to eat more healthily if fruit and vegetables are the first choices displayed when queueing for food in a canteen. So nudging involves unconsciously manipulating environmental triggers to make certain behaviours more likely. It targets the experiencing self and tries to influence people’s immediate experience. However, the reflecting self largely remains unaffected.
We have found that people cannot change for the good without tackling both the experiencing and the reflecting self. Personal development has to alter the way we experience ourselves and