Flex_ Do Something Different - Ben [7]
But, looking back, I realise my parents gave me a jewel that is so often lacking in current parental practices (particularly among the over-involved middle classes). My parents’ preoccupation with the toils of daily living meant they left me to work out for myself how to shape a life. They simply didn’t have the resources, time or energy to intervene. I had to discover, sometimes the hard way, how to make decisions. I had to be totally self-led and self-sufficient. No one ever offered me advice or guidance, or said to me ‘do this’, ‘don’t do that’, ‘you can’t’ or ‘this is how to behave’. As a result I learned how to shape life for myself and worked out how to be. Of course that wasn’t always easy and some would say that’s finding out the hard way, because I didn’t know the rules, or what works, or what others do or expect. I may have made mistakes along the way but the positive outcome is that I certainly became the architect and designer of my own life. I learned that we can shape the way we live and the way we are. We can act in the world rather than be acted upon. A most valuable lesson.
8. Why the past doesn’t help our future
I’ve told you a little of my unusual past but only to illustrate a skill I learned from it. I certainly don’t hold on to the past or hark back to it at all. A critical part of making the most of life, and shaping it, means taking the opportunities that come your way. I have found that if I make the most of these opportunities, tomorrow brings with it even more options and choices for me – the future is less uncertain because I am influencing it today. But there is a golden rule that I have found it essential to live by. That golden rule is the core message of this book – it is the necessity to flex. That means that on my personal journey through life I have always tried to:
change my mind should the evidence require it
behave differently to make the most of an opportunity
accept there are many things I know little about, but to be open enough to try them
tolerate uncertainty and
tolerate ambiguity.
An aspect of this is not using yesterday’s solutions to deal with today’s problems. Because I know the problems I will be faced with today are likely to be inherently different from those I have faced before. I may not always perceive it that way but I have always recognised that the world changes constantly and so must I.
Models of the past are rarely of any use in the present. That is what flex is all about – having the ability to notice when the current situation needs a non-habitual response. flex is about using all the tools in your toolbox. Imagine a craftsman who has to fix all kinds of objects and craft a range of artefacts. If every time he reached into his toolbox he pulled out a hammer, what a poor job he would make of the tasks that faced him. Yet every day people walk around with well-stocked toolboxes and all they use is a hammer. And they shrink their worlds because when all you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail.
To put this another way – they are failing to use the other 9/10ths of their personality.
I’ve already mentioned that habits and natural tendencies can have some use. But they are dangerous allies when they hijack your decisions and blind you to alternatives and opportunities for development. Let me explain further.
Doubtless we all agree that the world is ‘out there’ and objective in some important sense (e.g. it is independent of us). Philosophers have debated this for centuries. But for me at any rate I believe we all share a physical world; I think that is a truth. It is a fact. It is real. We all live in the