Flush - Carl Hiaasen [22]
One day he just “snapped.” That’s Mom’s word for what happened. Some brat yanked once too many times on his tail, and Grandpa Kenneth spun around and punted him halfway down Main Street USA. The kid’s family sued Disney World for some insane amount of money, but by then Grandpa Kenneth and Grandma Janet had already packed up and moved to Moose Lick, Saskatchewan, where they opened a snowmobile dealership and never laid eyes on another tourist. We’ve gone up to visit them two or three times, but they refuse to come down to the Keys. Grandpa Kenneth is sure that the Disney people will have him arrested if he ever sets foot in Florida.
My mother returned when she was eighteen, to attend college at the state university in Gainesville. She was on her way to becoming a lawyer when she met a guy and got married and dropped out of school. The guy turned out to be a “knucklehead” (Mom’s word again), and after only two years she pulled the plug. She was driving to the courthouse with the divorce papers when she got the speeding ticket that led to her meeting my father. They got married the day after her divorce was final.
Whenever Dad starts telling that story, my mother goes out to stack the dishes or fold the laundry. She doesn’t like anyone bringing up her first marriage in front of us. I know that Dad’s crazy for my mom, but sometimes he’s totally clueless about her feelings. Abbey gets frustrated and tells me to talk some sense into him, but what am I supposed to say?
Better shape up, Dad. Remember what happened to the last knucklehead she married.
Even if I said something, he wouldn’t take it seriously. He’d tell me not to worry because Mom was his “biggest fan.” My father has a bad habit of overestimating his charm—and also my mother’s patience.
When I got back from the trailer park, she was standing in the driveway and talking with Mr. Shine, the lawyer. I waved and hurried inside the house, where Abbey was waiting to fill me in.
“I was right!” she said. “They’re going to ask a judge to decide if Dad’s a certified wacko.”
“But he’s not,” I protested.
“The point is to get him out of jail, even if he doesn’t want to leave,” said Abbey. “The judge can order him released so he can get tested by some shrinks. That’s the new plan.”
“Does Mom really think Dad’s a nutcase?”
“Noah, you’re missing the big picture.”
“Did she tell you all this, or were you spying on her and Mr. Shine?”
“No comment,” my sister whispered. “The good news is, I didn’t hear the d-word. Not even once.”
“Excellent.” I decided not to mention that Mom and Mr. Shine had gotten real quiet when they saw me riding up the driveway.
“So what did Lice Peeking have to say?” Abbey asked. “Or was he crashed out on the floor again?”
“He wasn’t even home.”
“I was right, huh? He chickened out on the deal.”
“His girlfriend thinks he skipped town,” I admitted, “but she promised to help us nail Dusty Muleman.”
“Oh, please,” my sister sighed. “Earth to Noah: It’s a lost cause.”
“No, Abbey, it’s not.”
She eyed me closely. “You’re not done with bad news, are you? I can tell.”
All I could do was shrug. “Dad’s going to be on TV tonight.”
“Why? For what?”
“He gave an interview to Channel 10 at the jail.”
“Oh, brilliant,” Abbey said, and sank into a chair. She and I were worried about the same thing: What would Mom do when she saw my father on the five o’clock news?
“How much does a new television cost?” my sister asked.
“Too much. I already thought of that.”
“A baseball would do the job,” she said. “I could tell Mom I was tossing it around the living room when it accidentally-on-purpose hit the TV screen. I’ll take all the blame. Come on, Noah, how about it?”
“I’ve got a better idea,” I said.
One that