Fourth Comings_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [83]
My dad and I didn’t talk much all afternoon. Occasionally we’d make comments about the low-life, no-class conflicts that are the mainstay of daytime television. Will a paternity test prove that Bubba Jon is the father of La’Shaundreequa’s twins? (No.) Will the plaintiff get back the fifteen hundred dollars she loaned the defendant so he could buy her a proper engagement ring but which he instead used to buy a plasma TV? (No.) Will the stripper be pleased to find out that her secret admirer is the scrawny senior citizen better known around the club as “the Geezer”? (Hay-ell no.) What if he offers to buy the new breast implants she’s been wanting to get? (Maybe.) Because he’s a millionaire? (Yes!)
After a few hours of these trashy entertainments, I couldn’t help but imagine how our own relationship might play out on one of these shows.
The Host: On today’s show we’ve got Jessica and Marcus.
The Audience: Woo. Woo. Woo.
The Host: Jessica was a virgin before she met Marcus.
The Audience: Ha. Ha. Ha.
The Host: Marcus had bedded approximately forty young women before Jessica.
The Audience: Daaaaaaaaamn.
The Host: For years Marcus has remained faithful to Jessica, but Jessica has had several sexual encounters outside their relationship.
The Audience: Oh, no she didn’t!
The Host: Less than one week ago, Marcus asked Jessica to marry him.
The Audience: Awwwwwwwwwwww.
The Host: But Jessica didn’t say yes. In fact, just before the proposal, she was thinking about breaking up with him.
The Audience: Booooooooooooo!
The Host: And it gets even more twisted than that!
The Audience: Woo. Woo. Woo.
The Host: It turns out that Marcus had also been thinking about breaking up with Jessica….
The Audience: Huuuuuuuuh?
The Host: Which she found out from her best friend, Hope…
The Audience: Mmmmmmm…
The Host: With whom Marcus had carried a secret relationship behind Jessica’s back…
The Audience: Oh, no he didn’t!
The Host: Let’s bring ’em all onstage and welcome them to the show….
The Audience: Wooooooooooooooooooooooo!
My imaginary televised nightmare was interrupted by a genuine commercial clip for an upcoming episode of The Dr. Frank Show. I pressed my face into my hands and moaned.
“What’s wrong?” my dad asked.
I removed one hand so I could point to the screen. “I had a job interview with Dr. Frank’s guest, Dr. Kate,” I replied, “and I blew it.”
My dad leaned forward to get a closer look at Dr. Kate, who was looking as luscious as ever.
“For her new business venture, the first to blend new media and neuroscience.”
My dad wasn’t impressed with the jargon. “Doing what?”
“Working as an online matchmaker for iLoveULab.” I blushed with embarrassment over the cheesiness of the job description, and the fact that I wasn’t qualified for it.
My dad threw back his bald head. “You?!”
“I know, I know,” I said, poking the channel changer. “But I blew the interview, so there’s no need to make fun of a ridiculous job that I didn’t even get.”
I assumed my dad would want me to provide the play-by-play of the botched interview so we could review what had gone wrong, and I could learn from my errors and prevent them from happening again. It was his preferred process for self-improvement, one best captured by the video collection of my worst high school track and cross-country meets, “Notso Darling’s Agony of Defeat, Volumes 1–4.”
But he let it go.
“I was thinking about what you said a few weeks ago,” my dad said. “About how you felt ‘unsettled.’”
“Uh-huh,” I replied, surprised by this unexpected turn to our conversation.
“The opposite of unsettled is settled. As in settling down.”
“Uh-huh,” I responded again, even more warily than before. I had no idea where he was going with this. I was starting to worry that this last bag of sterilized water had literally gone to his head. Was there excess fluid on his brain?
“When you get married,” he said, “you settle down.”
“Uh-huh.”
“But when does settling down turn into just plain settling?” he asked.
This was the perfect opening for me to mention your proposal, and how it