Freedom [168]
“This isn’t sucking on tits, Walter,” Patty said with hatred.
“I was speaking metaphorically.”
“Well, I’m saying you picked an interesting metaphor.”
“Well, and I picked it carefully. All these companies pretending to be so grownup and free-market when they’re actually just big babies devouring the federal budget while everybody else starves. Fish and Wildlife has its budget cut year after year, another five percent every year. You go to their field offices, they’re ghost offices now. There’s no staff, there’s no money for land acquisition, no—”
“Oh the precious fish. The precious wildlife.”
“I CARE ABOUT THEM. Can you not understand that? Can you not respect that? If you can’t respect that, what are you even living with me for? Why don’t you just leave?”
“Because leaving is not the answer. My God, do you think I haven’t thought about it? Taking my great skills and work experience and great middle-aged body out on the open market? I actually think it’s wonderful what you’re doing for your warbler—”
“Bullshit.”
“So, OK, it’s not my personal thing, but—”
“What is your thing? You don’t have a thing. You sit around doing nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, every day, and it’s killing me. If you would actually go out and get a job, and earn an actual paycheck, or do something for another human being, instead of sitting in your room feeling sorry for yourself, you might feel less worthless, is what I’m saying.”
“Fine, but, honey, nobody wants to pay me a hundred eighty thousand a year to save the warblers. It’s nice work if you can get it. But I can’t get it. You want me to make Frappuccinos at Starbucks? You think eight hours a day at Starbucks is going to make me feel like I’m worth something?”
“It might! If you would ever try it! Which you never have, in your entire life!”
“Oh, finally it comes out! Finally we’re getting somewhere!”
“I never should have let you stay home. That was the mistake. I don’t know why your parents never made you get a job, but—”
“I had jobs! God damn it, Walter.” She tried to kick him and only by accident missed his knee. “I worked a whole horrible summer for my dad. And then you saw me at the U., you know I can do it. I worked two solid years there. Even when I was eight months’ pregnant, I was still going in.”
“You were hanging out with Treadwell and drinking coffee and watching game films. That’s not a job, Patty. That’s a favor from people who love you. First you worked for your dad, then you worked for your friends in the A.D.”
“And sixteen hours a day at home for twenty years? Unpaid? Does that not count? Was that just a ‘favor,’ too? Raising your kids? Working on your house?”
“Those were things you wanted.”
“You didn’t?”
“For you. I wanted them for you.”
“Oh, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. You wanted them for you, too. You were competing with Richard the whole time, and you know it. The only reason you’re forgetting it now is that it didn’t work out so great. You’re not winning anymore.”
“Winning has nothing to do with it.”
“Liar! You’re just as competitive as I am, you just won’t tell the truth about it. That’s why you won’t leave me alone. That’s why I’ve got to get that precious job. Because I’m making you a loser.”
“I can’t listen to this. This is some alternate reality.”
“Well, whatever, don’t listen, but I’m still on your team. And, believe it or not, I still want you to win. The reason I’m helping Joey is he’s on our team, and I will help you, too. I will go out tomorrow, for your sake, and I will—”
“Not for my sake.”
“YES, FOR YOUR SAKE. Don’t you get it? I have no sake. I don’t believe in anything. I don’t have faith in anything. The team is all I’ve got. And so I’ll get some kind of job for your sake, and then you can just leave me the hell alone, and let me send Joey however much money I make. You won’t see so much of me anymore—you won’t have to be so disgusted.”
“I’m not disgusted.”
“Well, that is beyond my comprehension.”
“And you don’t have to get a job if you