Freedom [191]
“I hadn’t particularly noticed the flipflops.”
“You really do lead a sheltered life, then.”
Her tone was somehow rote and disconnected, not teasing in a way that he could work with. Denied encouragement, his sense of anticipation was waning. He was beginning to dislike her for not being in the state he’d imagined he would find her in.
“And the credit-card thing?” she said. “Using a credit card to buy one hot dog or one pack of gum? I mean, cash is so yesterday. Right? Cash actually requires you to add and subtract. You actually have to pay attention to the person who’s giving you your change. Like, for one tiny little moment, you have to be less than one-hundred-percent cool and checked into your own little world. But not with a credit card you don’t. You just blandly hand it over and blandly take it back.”
“That’s more like what the crowd was tonight,” he said. “Nice kids, just a little self-absorbed.”
“You’d better get used to it, though, right? Jessica says you’re going to be up to your armpits in young people all summer.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“It sounded more like definitely.”
“Yeah, but I’m thinking of bailing. In fact, I already said so to Walter.”
Patty stood up to put their tea bags in the sink and remained standing, her back to him. “So this might be your only visit,” she said.
“That’s right.”
“Well, then, I suppose I should be sorry I didn’t come down sooner.”
“You could always come up and see me in the city.”
“Right. If I’d ever been invited.”
“You’re invited now.”
She wheeled around with narrowed eyes. “Don’t play games with me, OK? I don’t want to see that side of you. It actually sort of makes me sick. OK?”
He held her gaze, trying to show her that he meant it—trying to feel that he meant it—but this seemed only to exasperate her. She retreated, shaking her head, to a far corner of the kitchen.
“How are you and Walter getting along?” he said unkindly.
“None of your business.”
“I keep hearing that. What does it mean?”
She blushed a little. “It means it’s none of your business.”
“Walter says not so great.”
“Well, that’s true enough. Mostly.” She blushed again. “But you just worry about Walter, OK? Worry about your best friend. You already made your choice. You made it very clear to me which one of us’s happiness you cared more about. You had your chance with me, and you chose him.”
Katz could feel himself beginning to lose his cool, and it was highly unpleasant. A pressure between his ears, a rising anger, a need to argue. It was like suddenly being Walter.
“You drove me away,” he said.
“Ha-ha-ha! ‘Sorry, I can’t go to Philadelphia even for one day, because of poor Walter’?”
“I said that for one minute. For thirty seconds. And you then proceeded, for the next hour—”
“To fuck it up. I know. I know I know I know. I know who fucked it all up. I know it was me! But, Richard, you knew it was harder for me. You could have thrown me a lifeline! Like, possibly, for that one minute, not talked about poor Walter and his poor tender feelings, but about me instead! That’s why I’m saying you already made your choice. You may not have even known you were doing it, but that’s what you did. So live with it now.”
“Patty.”
“I may be a fuckup, but if nothing else I’ve had some time to think in the last few years, and I’ve figured some things out. I have a little better idea of who you are, and how you work. I can imagine how hard it is for you that our little Bengali friend’s not interested in you. How terrrrribly destabilizing for you. What a topsy-turvy world this turns out to be! What a total bad trip! I guess you could still try working on Jessica, but good luck with that. If you really find yourself at a loss, your best bet may be Emily in the development office. But Walter’s not into her, so I don’t imagine she’ll be too interesting