Freedom [259]
She took his face in her hands and gave him a border-collie look. “No,” she said. “You please do this for me.”
“You do it,” he said, pulling away. “You fly out. I’ll follow in a couple of days.”
“Why are you being this way? Was it Seth and Merrie? Did they get you thinking too much about the past?”
“Yes, they did.”
“Well, put it out of your mind and come with me. We have to stay together.”
Like a cold spring at the bottom of a warmer lake, old Swedish-gened depression was seeping up inside him: a feeling of not deserving a partner like Lalitha; of not being made for a life of freedom and outlaw heroics; of needing a more dully and enduringly discontented situation to struggle against and fashion an existence within. And he could see that simply by having these feelings he was starting to create a new situation of discontent with Lalitha. And it was better, he thought, depressively, that she learn sooner rather than later what he was really like. Understand his kinship with his brother and his father and his grandfather. And so he shook his head again. “I’m going to stick to the plan,” he said. “I’m going to take the van for two days. If you don’t want to come with me, we’ll get you a plane ticket.”
Everything might have been different if she’d cried then. But she was stubborn and spirited and angry with him, and in the morning he drove her to the airport, apologizing until she made him stop. “It’s OK,” she said, “I’m over it. I’m not worrying about it this morning. We’re doing what we have to do. I’ll call you when I get there and I’ll see you soon.”
It was Sunday morning. Walter called Carol Monaghan and then drove on familiar avenues up to Ramsey Hill. Blake had cut down a few more trees and bushes in Carol’s yard, but nothing else on Barrier Street had changed much. Carol embraced Walter warmly, pushing her breasts into him in a way that didn’t feel quite familial, and then, for an hour, while the twins ran squealing around the child-proofed great-room and Blake stood up nervously and left and came back and left again, the two parents made the best of being in-laws.
“I was dying to call you as soon as I found out,” Carol said. “I literally had to sit on my hand to keep from dialing your number. I couldn’t understand why Joey didn’t want to tell you himself.”
“Well, you know, he’s had some difficulties with his mother,” Walter said. “With me, too.”
“And how is Patty? I hear you guys are not together anymore.”
“That’s true enough.”
“I’m not going to bite my tongue on this one, Walter. I’m going to speak my mind even though it’s always getting me in trouble. I think this separation was a long time coming. I hated to see the way she treated you. It always seemed like everything had to be about her. So there—I said it.”
“Well, Carol, you know, these things are complicated. And she’s Connie’s mother-in-law, too, now. So I hope the two of you can find some way to work things out.”
“Ha. I don’t care about me, we don’t need to see each other. I just hope she recognizes what a heart of gold my daughter has.”
“I certainly recognize that myself. I think Connie’s a wonderful girl, with a lot of potential.”
“Well, you always were the nice one of the two of you. You always had a heart of gold yourself. I was never sorry to be your neighbor, Walter.”
He chose to let the unfairness of this pass, chose not to remind Carol of the many years of generosity that Patty had shown her and Connie, but he did feel very sad for Patty’s sake. He knew how hard she’d tried to be her better self, and it grieved him to be aligned now with the many people who could see only the unfortunate side of her. The lump in his throat was evidence of how much, in spite of everything, he still loved her. Dropping to his knees for some polite interaction with the twins, he was reminded of how much more comfortable than he she’d always been with little kids, how forgetful of herself she’d been with Jessica and Joey when they were the twins’ age; how blissfully absorbed. It was much better, he decided, that Lalitha had gone on to