From Darkness Won - Jill Williamson [175]
“No! Not really. I never truly believed you capable of such betrayal. But I— I was afraid that I loved you. Or afraid I only thought I did. Afraid I really loved Bran and was being unfaithful. Afraid that Bran no longer loved me. Afraid of being queen. Afraid that you would leave me or find a mistress or a whole harem.”
She waved one hand in an arc as if accusing everyone present of being part of Achan’s harem. “That was what frightened me most, Achan Cham—that I would hold your interest briefly but never your heart. That another more comely than me would traipse by, and you would be gone after her, as all of your forefathers have done. I couldn’t bear to be only ‘the wife’ when a never-ending parade of women held your heart. That was why I never told you.”
Sir Caleb. The knock came quickly, but Achan ignored it. He might never get Sparrow to speak so freely again. He would not stop her, no matter what she accused him of.
She squeezed her hands together as if wringing juice from an orange. “My father had told me of King Axel’s reputation with women. And then you confirmed it.” Her teary gaze met his. “You said I could be your m-mistress. I just—”
“That was just a stray thought, Sparrow! Can’t a man’s thoughts be private? I was desperate to have you in my arms but thought I had to marry someone else for politics, for the good of the kingdom. I only wanted to find a way to have you.”
“But you thought it! It was my greatest fear, and you confirmed it.” She gasped in a breath. “I did not believe it safe to give you my heart. I did not think you loved Arman. I am not beautiful enough or strong enough to be a queen. Bran left me. My father left me. Sir Rigil never cared for me in such a way. I just knew your head would turn from me as easily as theirs had. I could not stand to marry you and be cast aside.”
Achan couldn’t help but glance at Bran and Sir Rigil. Had Sparrow once cared for Sir Rigil too? Both men’s eyes were downcast, expressions stoic. He looked back to Sparrow. “So you cast yourself aside in advance? To save yourself some hurt, you hurt yourself? What kind of way is that to live?”
She shrugged one shoulder. “A safe way?”
He released a gusty laugh. “Is this what you call safe? It’s not a safe way, Sparrow, it’s a pathetic and lonely way. Sparrow, sometimes life is scary. Get over it, and live.” With me! he wanted to add.
She sniffled and tipped her nose, so small and red, in the air. “I am trying to, Your Highness. That is why I have come.”
He scratched a hand through his own hair. “Well… good, then.” He became aware again of how silent the room was and just how many people were watching them. Heat crept up into his face.
“Your Highness?” Sir Caleb said.
Achan wheeled around, nearly falling off his step. “Yes?”
“Why don’t we move to the solar for Sir Eagan’s report? We could have some food brought up. Those not attending the meeting are welcome to eat here.”
Sparrow pushed to her feet. “Master Rennan needs a healer right away. He is wounded.”
Sir Caleb bowed. “Of course, my lady.”
Achan’s eyes widened at the exchange, for Sir Caleb, who had disdained all talk of Vrell Sparrow for the past few weeks, now treated her quite differently. And Sparrow… No wonder she’d always been such a bossy little thing. Duchess Amal’s daughter had been born and bred to rule Carm.
His stomach flipped in his gut. Oh, the things he’d said and done to this girl—to this noblewoman! Pig snout. He caught sight of the maroon sleeve on his arm out of the corner of his eye and looked back to Sparrow.
Arman? What exactly have You done?
It wasn’t long before they were all assembled in the solar. Achan sat at the head of a table and watched Sparrow, who hadn’t looked at him since her confession on the stairs.
She, Sir Eagan, Sir Jax, and Sir Rigil sat on one side of the table,