From Here to Eternity_ The Restored Edit - Jones, James [232]
“Shut up, Tommy,” Hal said narrowly.
Prew swung on him. “If you guys like being queer, why dont you be queer with each other? Instead of all a time trying to cut each other’s throat? If you believed that crap about true love you been putting out, why do you get your feelings hurt so easy? Somebody’s always hurtin your feelings. Why do you always pick up somebody who aint queer? Because if you’re with another queer, you dont feel evil enough, thats why.”
“Stop!” Hal said. “This quivering hulk of jelly can say whatever he wants to say. But I am none of these things. I stand as a rebel against society. I hate its falseness and I’ll never knuckle down to it. It takes courage to stand by what you believe.”
“I dont like it very much myself,” Prew grinned. He could feel the warmness and the fumes, rising in his head, the urge, urge, urge, the smash, smash, smash, six o’clock, six o’clock, six o’clock. “Its never done much for me, society. What has it given me? It aint done near as much for me as it has done for you. Look at this place, look at it.
“But I dont hate it like you hate it. You hate it because you hate yourself. You aint rebelling against society, you’re rebelling against yourself. You aint rebelling against anything, you’re just rebelling.”
He stabbed at the tall man with his finger.
“And thats why you’re like a priest. You got a gospel to preach. The true gospel. The ony gospel. Thats all you got, a gospel. Dont you know life dont fit no gospels? Life makes gospels—afterwards. Gospels dont make life. But you, you and all the fucking priests, you gunna make life fit your gospel. And nobody elses. You wont even admit anything exists but what you say.”
He paused. The brightly lighted revelation was surging up now again, in his mind. He could see it. But how to say it? How to express? How to mold it and make it plain? Life was enough, in itself. All men should see life in itself was enough, was all, because it was there. Why did you climb the mountain, Mr Mallory? Because it was there. Life was there, it had been put there, for a purpose. That was enough. That was everything.
“If thats courage,” he concluded lamely, subduedly, “maybe you got it, buddy. If thats courage.”
“Hey, hey,” Angelo yelled suddenly. “I got courage. All the courage in the goddam world. I’m free and I got courage. All I want. A dollarn a half at any liquor store.”
He struggled up vaguely from the chair and started for the door in desultory tackings.
“Where are you going, Tony?” Hal said. All the rest was forgotten. “Please come back, Tony. Please come back here, I say. You’re in no condition to be wandering around.”
“Going for a fucking walk,” Angelo yelled. “Need some fucking air.”
He went out and slammed the screen. They could hear him stumping down the outside stairs in his bare feet. Then they heard a stumbling falling crash and Angelo’s hearty cursing of the banyan. Then silence.
“Oh my god,” Hal said. “Somebody must stop him. Somebody must do something. He’ll get picked up, wandering around like that.”
“You do it,” Prew said. “He’s your boyfriend.”
“You go after him, Prew,” Hal said. “Wont you? You dont want him to get picked up. He’s your friend. Isnt he.”
“He aint my boyfriend,” Prew said. “You go get him.” He began to grin a little and sat down heavily on the couch, bouncing a little with drunken resolution.
“But I cant,” Hal cried. “Truly I cant. I’d go after him if I could. Why, as drunk as he is, if he got picked up he might bring the police right up here.”
“Let him bring em,” Prew grinned. His face felt stiff from the liquor and someplace in his head a bell tolled. He was very very drunk and suddenly very happy.
“Oh he cant,” Hal said, wringing his hands. “They know us all by report. All they’d need is something like this to make a case against us.”
“Thats a shame,” Prew said contentedly. “Dont worry about it. You’ve got courage.” He watched Tommy get up from his chair and begin to put his clothes back on.
“Where are you