From Here to Eternity_ The Restored Edit - Jones, James [484]
“I’m not worth it,” he said. “I’m not worth it. I’m a long way from worth it.”
She put her feet down to the floor with a startling suddenness, and leaned over and put her fingers over his mouth.
“Hush,” she said. “Dont say that. I wont have you say that.”
Warden moved her hand with an urgency that was almost savage. “I couldnt help it. I couldnt do anything else. I tried, but I couldnt.”
“I know you couldnt,” she said soothingly.
“And you knew all the time,” he said inexpressively, “even when I called you.”
“I’ve known a lot longer than that. I think I’ve known for a long time. Only I just wouldnt let myself admit it. I think thats maybe why I love you, because I knew all along you couldnt.
“Maybe we only love the things we cannot have. Maybe thats all love is. Maybe its supposed to be that way.
“I’ve hated you,” she said. “I’ve hated you bitterly, at times. All love has hate in it. Because you are tied to anyone you love, and it takes away part of your freedom and you resent it, you cant help it. And while you are resenting the less of your own freedom, you are trying to force the other to give up to you every last little bit of his own. Love cant help but make hate. As long as we’re living on this earth, love will always have hate in it. Maybe thats the reason we’re on this earth, to learn to love without hating.”
She was still leaning forward toward him, her arms on the fatless so-lovely knees, her eyes shining, her hand that Warden had moved from his mouth still in his hand.
“I tried,” he said contortedly. “Nobody’ll ever know how I tried.”
“I’ll know.”
“No you wont. But I looked at them, Ross and Culpepper and Cribbage and the rest of them, and I saw what they were—I couldnt do it.”
“Of course you couldnt. If you could have you wouldnt really be Milt Warden. And I wouldnt love you.”
“But the plans. The rest of it. All the rest of it. I’ve ruined all that.”
“It isnt important.”
“It is important.”
“I’ve owned a thousand houses that I’ve never built,” she said. “Never had the money to build. Couldnt have used if I had had the money. Never really wanted to build, maybe. But I still own the houses.”
“Live in your memories,” Warden said bitterly.
“No. Not at all,” she said clearly. “Not that at all. But I still have my houses.”
“Why does the world have to be like it is?” Warden said, letting himself go completely. “I dont know why the world has to be like it is.”
“I dont know either,” she said. “And I used to be very bitter about it. But now I know it has to be that way. Theres no other way for it to be. Whenever a menace is conquered, a new more subtle menace arises. There is no other way it could be.”
“I’ve never done anything but take from you,” Warden said contortedly. “You’ve given and given. I’ve never given. I’ve only taken.”
“No,” Karen said. “Thats not true. You’ve given me my freedom. Dana can never touch me any more. Never hurt me any more. You’ve made me know I’m attractive. You’ve made me loved.”
“Stark gave you the same thing. At Bliss.”
“What Stark gave me, he took away and nullified in the end. He made sure he destroyed all of it, before he left it.”
“Like I am doing now.”
“No. You’re not. And, really, the truth, I dont think I would have it any other way. I dont think, now, I would want to marry you. We’ve both been slowly throttling our love to death. We’ve been losing it slowly. You know we have.”
“Yes,” Warden said. “Thats true.”
“But this way we will never lose it. Love either starves to death and becomes a shadow, or else it dies young and remains a dream. The only way we could have kept love was to have never had each other. If we could have gone on here as we were, always hungering, never having, we could have kept love. But neither one of us could do that; we both were fighting that very thing, with every force we knew. To have gotten married would have been the coup de grace to a starving man. But the war has stopped that. Wars have their good sides, too.”
“Karen,” Warden said, “how did you learn the things you know?”
“By living as long as I have,