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Then I talk about our billing – all of us had finally agreed on a figure which was reasonably accurate. Then I mention that we have had assignments from R.J.Reynolds and Quaker Oats. I repeat it three times because somebody might have thought it was the Quakertown Oats Company, which makes horse food. ‘Yes, Quaker Oats called us and said, “We’ve decided to give you an assignment.” Just to make sure, I throw in, ‘Lovely people over at Quaker Oats.’ If I could have, I would have asked them if they had their Quaker Oats for breakfast this morning. What I’m doing with Quaker Oats is establishing that although that company is bigger than our prospective client, they think we’re respectable.

I talk about the American Broadcasting Company next. They all love the word ‘American’ in Dallas and they seem to have heard of ABC. Great second name to mention. From ABC I move to Cinzano Vermouth. I look over at the older guy. He looks as if he’s thinking that we’re in bed with all the Italians. ‘That client also has Moët Champagne,’ I add. He doesn’t like the French either, right? So we go into Blue Nun wine – I almost get a smile out of him with Blue Nun wine. We’ve also done some special projects for a large account that they’ve heard of. All of a sudden little looks around the table. ‘Look,’ I say, ‘they’re very happy with their agency but it’s practically the same situation where you called me and said you’re not unhappy with your agency, either.’ I talk about Corum Watches. Who knows from Corum Watches? ‘Part of the Piaget Company.’ Nobody stirs. ‘Part of the North American Watch Company.’ The old guy hears American and starts to nod.

Suddenly one guy asks, ‘What do you think of Ted Bates?’ I don’t think much of Ted Bates in or out of a presentation so I start blasting Bates. They keep talking. The big question they bring up is, ‘What happens if Della Femina gets run over by a truck?’ They’re worried about the fact that we appear to be a one-man operation. We have to convince them that they’re wrong. We end up by leaving them with the impression that I was already dead at this meeting and stuffed just to make the presentation look nice.

We tell them that we’ve just moved into a new set of offices. We finish our pitch and that’s that. We made plans for them to visit us in New York, which they want to do. Dates are set up, which is good. The only thing different we’ll do is to take our art director, Bob Giraldi, and go get him a haircut and maybe dress him like an American. Otherwise nothing will change.

A few weeks later they did come up to see us. We went through the pitch again and walked them through the offices. We even had gotten Bob to wear some normal clothes for the occasion. We have a good shot at the business, too. Lots of handshaking and congratulations. The last thing one of their guys said as he left our offices was, ‘Boy, you creative agencies sure have some strange types around. Like that art director of yours.’

CHAPTER

THIRTEEN

THE MOST

FUN YOU

CAN HAVE

WITH YOUR

CLOTHES

ON

‘New agencies always start at lunchtime. Everybody goes to lunch and everybody bitches at lunch. “Those sons of bitches, they don’t appreciate what I’ve done for them. Why, in the last year I’ve picked up two millions’ worth of billing myself.” All of a sudden, “Imagine that. Two million dollars. That means three hundred thousand dollars to the agency and all I’m making from them is a lousy forty thousand a year. They’re making three hundred thousand and paying me forty thousand. I’d really like to start a place.” The other guy says, “You know, we’ve worked together for a lot of years. I haven’t got any money but I’ve got a friend who’s got all the money and he’s got a connection. Let’s go into business …”’

I am very poor on dates and it is a good thing I’m in the advertising business where they don’t worry too much about how accurate résumés are. I was born in 1936 and in July I will be thirty-four years old. I got married when I was twenty years old but I really have been married all my