Full Frontal Feminism_ A Young Women's Guide to Why Feminism Matters - Jessica Valenti [24]
Some signs of a potentially abusive partner:
❂ Isolation: They tell you that they don’t want you to spend time with your friends or your family because they want to see you all the time. Later, this can turn into the abuser’s trying to block access to transportation (messing up your car), work (deliberately making you late), or other modes of communication with people outside the relationship.
❂ Jealousy: Sometimes a little jealousy makes a gal feel wanted, but abusers go above and beyond. They may become jealous at the drop of a hat or even resent time spent with anyone besides them—even family members.
❂ Control: This is the key; it’s all about control. Abusers control their partner’s ability to come and go, to spend money, to make decisions. They want to control everything.
Other signs/abusive actions include enforcing seriously traditional gender roles (in which men expect their female partners to do all the nurturing and taking care of their every need), verbally abusing their partner, using force during sex or being sexually manipulative, using cruelty to animals or kids as a means to control their partner’s behavior . . . the list goes on.
I guess my point is, there’s a lot more to violent relationships than individual incidents. Some abusers may never even leave a mark on their victims. A nurse once told me of a man who would force his wife to drink Tabasco sauce as a punishment. It’s about control and fear—and violence is just a means to the end.
VICTIM-BLAMING
Victim-blaming happens constantly when it comes to relationship violence, mostly because of one question: Why don’t they leave? The answer is that it’s really never that simple. Here are some of the most common reasons victims stay in abusive relationships:
❂ Poverty: Many women lack the financial resources to leave; in fact, 60 percent of female welfare recipients have been victims of relationship violence. They have no place to go, and they may have children. Their partner may have taken control of their bank accounts, ensured that property is only listed under the abuser’s name, and so on. It’s not so easy to leave when you don’t have a dollar to your name.
❂ Isolation: Once women have been isolated from their friends and family, they may not have any support system left.
❂ Fear of increased violence/death: Most women who are killed by their partners are in the process of leaving or planning to leave. Many women know that if they try to leave and fail, the violent consequences could be lethal.
❂ Cultural/religious beliefs: Some women’s culture or religion tells them that divorce isn’t okay, or that violence is acceptable. They may fear being ostracized by their family and community.
So again, not so simple. And I can’t emphasize this enough: We have to get beyond the idea that it’s our responsibility to not have violence done to us. We deserve to be safe in our relationships.
HARASSMENT
You know you have a favorite street-harassment story. (And yeah, I know there’s harassment at work and such; we’ll get into that in another chapter.)
The first time I saw a penis was when some random dude on a subway platform took his out and started running toward me with it. Charming, huh? Talk about a scarring experience. I just froze. Luckily, a train came into the station and he just got on like nothing had happened. Then there was the guy who told me my ass looked so good he wanted to eat his dinner off it. (You think that line ever worked?) Then, just recently, I walked past a young man in front of the New York City library and he leaned over and whispered, “I want to eat you” in my ear. I actually felt his breath on me—nasty.
I’m sure you have your stories, too. We all do. For some reason (ahem, rape culture), guys think that they have the right to say anything to you. Or grab your ass. It’s the assumption that you’re there solely for them. One essay, “The Little Rapes, Sexual Harassment