Games People Play_ The Psychology of Human Relationships - Eric Berne [18]
Transactional Paradigm. The transactional analysis of a typical situation is presented, giving both the social and psychological levels of a revealing ulterior transaction. In its most dramatic form IWFY at the social level is a Parent-Child game.
Mr White: ‘You stay home and take care of the house.’
Mrs White: ‘If it weren’t for you, I could be out having fun.’
At the psychological level (the ulterior marriage contract) the relationship is Child-Child, and quite different.
Mr White: ‘You must always be here when I get home. I’m terrified of desertion.’
Mrs White: ‘I will be if you help me avoid phobic situations.’
The two levels are illustrated in Figure 7.
Moves. The moves of a game correspond roughly to the strokes in a ritual. As in any game, the players become increasingly adept with practice. Wasteful moves are eliminated, and more and more purpose is condensed into each move. ‘Beautiful friendships’ are often based on the fact that the players complement each other with great economy and satisfaction, so that there is a maximum yield with a minimum effort from the games they play with each other. Certain intermediate, precautionary or concessional moves can be elided, giving a high degree of elegance to the relationship.
Figure 7. A Game
The effort saved on defensive manoeuvres can be devoted to ornamental flourishes instead, to the delight of both parties and sometimes of the onlookers as well. The student observes that there is a minimum number of moves essential to the progress of the game, and these can be stated in the protocol. Individual players will embellish or multiply these basic moves according to their needs, talents or desires. The framework for IWFY is as follows
(1) Instruction-Compliance (‘You stay home’ – ‘All right’).
(2) Instruction-Protest (‘You stay home again’ – ‘If it weren’t for you’).
Advantages. The general advantages of a game consist in its stabilizing (homeostatic) functions. Biological homeostasis is promoted by the stroking, and psychological stability is reinforced by the confirmation of position. As has already been noted, stroking may take various forms, so that the biological advantage of a game may be stated in tactile terms. Thus the husband’s role in IWFY is reminiscent of a backhanded slap (quite different in effect from a palmar slap, which is a direct humiliation), and the wife’s response is something like a petulant kick in the shins. Hence the biological gain from IWFY is derived from belligerence-petulance exchanges: a distressing but apparently effective way to maintain the health of nervous tissues.
Confirmation of the wife’s position – ‘All men are tyrants’ – is the existential advantage. This position is a reaction to the need to surrender that is inherent in the phobias, a demonstration of the coherent structure which underlies all games. The expanded statement would be: ‘If I went out alone in a crowd, I would be overcome by the temptation to surrender; at home I don’t surrender: he forces me, which proves that all men are tyrants.’ Hence this game is commonly played by women who suffer from feelings of unreality, which signifies their difficulty in keeping the Adult in charge in situations of strong temptation. The detailed elucidation of these mechanisms belongs to psychoanalysis rather than game analysis. In game analysis the end product is the chief concern.
Internal psychological advantage of a game is its direct effect on the psychic economy (libido). In IWFY the socially acceptable surrender to the husband’s authority keeps the woman from experiencing neurotic fears. At the same time it satisfies masochistic needs, if they exist, using masochism not in the sense of self-abnegation but with its classical meaning of sexual excitement in situations of deprivation, humiliation or pain. That