Games People Play_ The Psychology of Human Relationships - Eric Berne [31]
ANALYSIS
Thesis: Now I’ve got you, you son of a bitch.
Aim: Justification.
Roles: Victim, Aggressor.
Dynamics: Jealous rage.
Examples: (1) I caught you this time. (2) Jealous husband.
Social Paradigm: Adult-Adult.
Adult: ‘See, you have done wrong.’
Adult: ‘Now that you draw it to my attention, I guess I have.’
Psychological Paradigm: Parent-Child.
Parent: ‘I’ve been watching you, hoping you’d make a slip.’
Child: ‘You caught me this time.’
Parent: ‘Yes, and I’m going to let you feel the full force of my fury.’
Moves: (1) Provocation – Accusation. (2) Defence – Accusation. (3) Defence – Punishment.
Advantages: (1) Internal Psychological – justification for rage. (2) External Psychological – avoids confrontation of own deficiencies. (3) Internal Social – NIGYSOB. (4) External Social – they’re always out to get you. (5) Biological – belligerent exchanges, usually ipsisexual. (6) Existential – people can’t be trusted.
5 · SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO
Thesis. In its classical form this is a marital game, and in fact is a ‘three-star marriage buster’, but it may also be played between parents and children and in working life.
(1) First-Degree SWYMD: White, feeling unsociable, becomes engrossed in some activity which tends to insulate him against people. Perhaps all he wants at the moment is to be left alone. An intruder, such as his wife or one of his children, comes either for stroking or to ask him something like, ‘Where can I find the long-nosed pliers?’ This interruption ‘causes’ his chisel, paintbrush, typewriter or soldering iron to slip, whereupon he turns on the intruder in a rage and cries, ‘See what you made me do.’ As this is repeated through the years, his family tends more and more to leave him alone when he is engrossed. Of course it is not the intruder but his own irritation which ‘causes’ the slip, and he is only too happy when it occurs, since it gives him a lever for ejecting the visitor. Unfortunately this is a game which is only too easily learned by young children, so that it is easily passed on from generation to generation. The underlying satisfactions and advantages are more clearly demonstrated when it is played more seductively.
(2) Second-Degree SWYMD: If SWYMD is the basis for a way of life, rather than merely being used occasionally as a protective mechanism, White marries a woman who plays ‘I’m Only Trying to Help You’ or one of its relatives. It is then easy for him to defer decisions to her. Often this may be done in the guise of considerateness or gallantry. He may deferentially and courteously let her decide where to go for dinner or which movie to see. If things turn out well, he can enjoy them. If not, he can blame her by saying or implying: ‘You Got Me Into This’, a simple variation of SWYMD. Or he may throw the burden of decisions regarding the children’s upbringing on her, while he acts as executive officer; if the children get upset, he can play a straight game of SWYMD. This lays the groundwork through the years for blaming mother if the children turn out badly; then SWYMD is not an end in itself, but merely offers passing satisfaction on the way to ‘I Told You So’ or ‘See What You’ve Done Now’.
The professional player who pays his psychological way with SWYMD will use it also in his work. In occupational SWYMD the long-suffering look of resentment replaces words. The player ‘democratically’ or as part of ‘good management’ asks his assistants for suggestions. In this way he may attain an unassailable position for terrorizing his juniors. Any mistake he makes can be used against them by blaming them for it. Used against seniors (blaming them for one’s mistakes), it becomes self-destructive and may lead to termination of employment or, in the army, to transfer to another unit. In that case it is a component of ‘Why Does This Always Happen To Me?’ with resentful people, or of ‘There I Go Again’ with depressives – (both of the’ Kick Me’ family).
(3) Third-Degree SWYMD: in a hard form SWYMD may be played by paranoids against people incautious enough to give them