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on the job. When his wife is notified, she gets the message instantly: ‘Look How Hard I Was Trying. ‘Now she is supposed to appreciate him as she never has before, and to feel sorry for all the mean things she has said and done in the past. In short, she is now supposed to love him, all previous methods of wooing her having failed. Unfortunately for the husband, her manifestations of affection and solicitude at this point are more apt to be motivated by guilt than by love. Deep down she is likely to be resentful because he is using unfair leverage against her, and has also taken unfair advantage of her by keeping his illness a secret. In short, a diamond bracelet is a much more honest instrument of courtship than a perforated stomach. She has the option of throwing the jewellery back at him, but she cannot decently walk out on the ulcer. A sudden confrontation with a serious illness is more likely to make her feel trapped than won over.

This game can often be discovered immediately after the patient first hears that he has a potentially progressive disability. If he is going to play it, the whole plan will very likely flash through his mind at that point, and can be recovered by a careful psychiatric review of the situation. What is recovered is the secret gloating of his Child at learning that he has such a weapon, masked by his Adult concern at the practical problems raised by his illness.

Third Degree: Even more sinister and spiteful is the sudden unheralded suicide because of serious illness. The ulcer progresses to cancer, and one day the wife, who has never been informed that anything serious is amiss, walks into the bathroom and finds her husband lying there dead. The note says clearly enough, ‘Look How Hard I Was Trying.’ If something like this happens twice to the same woman, it is time for her to find out what she has been playing.

ANALYSIS

Thesis: They can’t push me around.

Aim: Vindication.

Roles: Standfast, Persecutor, Authority.

Dynamics: Anal passivity.

Examples: (1) Child dressing. (2) Spouse bucking for divorce.

Social Paradigm: Adult-Adult.

Adult: ‘It’s time to (get dressed) (go to a psychiatrist).’

Adult: ‘All right, I’ll try it.’

Psychological Paradigm: Parent-Child.

Parent: ‘I’m going to make you (get dressed) (go to a psychiatrist).’

Child: ‘See, it doesn’t work.’

Moves: (1) Suggestion-Resistance. (2) Pressure-Compliance. (3) Approval-Failure.

Advantages: (1) Internal Psychological – freedom from guilt for aggression. (2) External Psychological – evades domestic responsibilities. (3) Internal Social – Look how hard I’ve tried. (4) External Social – same. (5) Biological – belligerent exchanges. (6) Existential – I am helpless (blameless).

7 · SWEETHEART

Thesis. This is seen in its fullest flower in the early stages of marital group therapy, when the parties feel defensive; it can also be observed on social occasions. White makes a subtly derogatory remark about Mrs White, disguised as an anecdote, and ends: ‘Isn’t that right, sweetheart?’ Mrs White tends to agree for two ostensibly Adult reasons: (a) because the anecdote itself is in the main, accurately reported, and to disagree about what is presented as a peripheral detail (but is really the essential point of the transaction) would seem pedantic; (b) because it would seem surly to disagree with a man who calls one ‘sweetheart’ in public. The psychological reason for her agreement, however, is her depressive position. She married him precisely because she knew he would perform this service for her: exposing her deficiencies and thus saving her from the embarrassment of having to expose them herself. Her parents accommodated her the same way when she was little.

Next to ‘Courtroom’, this is the most common game played in marital groups. The more tense the situation, and the closer the game is to exposure, the more bitterly is the word ‘sweetheart’ enunciated, until the underlying resentment becomes obvious. On careful consideration it can be seen that this is a relative of ‘Schlemiel’, since the significant move is Mrs White