Games People Play_ The Psychology of Human Relationships - Eric Berne [46]
Antithesis. It is evident that those who respond to White’s first move, the presentation of her ‘problem’, are playing a form of ‘I’m Only Trying to Help You’ (ITHY). In fact YDYB is the inverse of ITHY. In ITHY there is one therapist and many clients; in YDYB one client and many ‘therapists’. The clinical antithesis to YDYB, therefore, is not to play ITHY. If the opening is of the form: ‘What do you do if …’ (WYDI), a suggested response is: ‘That is a difficult problem. What are you going to do about it?’ If it is of the form: ‘X didn’t work out properly’, the response then should be ‘That is too bad.’ Both of these are polite enough to leave White at a loss, or at least to elicit a crossed transaction, so that his frustration becomes manifest and can then be explored. In a therapy group it is good practice for susceptible patients to refrain from playing ITHY when invited. Then not only White, but the other members as well, can learn from anti-YDYB, which is merely the other side of anti-ITHY.
In a social situation, if the game is friendly and harmless, there is no reason not to participate. If it is an attempt to exploit professional knowledge, an antithetical move may be required; but in such situations this arouses resentment because of the exposure of White’s Child. The best policy under those circumstances is to flee from the opening move and look for a stimulating game of first-degree ‘Rapo’.
Relatives. ‘Why Don’t You – Yes But’ must be distinguished from its obverse, ‘Why Did You – No But’ (YDNB), in which it is the Parent who wins and the defensive Child who eventually retires in confusion, although again the bare transcript may sound factual, rational and Adult to Adult. YDNB is closely related to ‘Furthermore’.
The reverse of YDYB at first resembles ‘Peasant’. Here White seduces the therapist into giving her suggestions which she immediately accepts, rather than rejects. Only after he is deeply involved does he perceive that White is turning on him. What looked like ‘Peasant’ ends up as a game of intellectual ‘Rapo’. The classical version of this is the switch from positive to negative transference in the course of orthodox psychoanalysis.
YDYB may also be played in a second-degree hard form as ‘Do Me Something’. The patient refuses to do the housework, for example, and there is a game of YDYB every evening, when the husband returns home. But no matter what he says, she sullenly refuses to change her ways. In some cases the sullenness may be malignant and require careful psychiatric evaluation. The game aspect must be considered as well, however, since it raises the question of why the husband selected such a spouse, and how he contributes to maintaining the situation.
ANALYSIS
Thesis: See if you can present a solution I can’t find fault with.
Aim: Reassurance.
Roles: Helpless person, Advisers.
Dynamics: Surrender conflict (oral).
Examples: (1) Yes, but I can’t do my homework now because … (2) Helpless wife.
Social Paradigm: Adult-Adult.
Adult: ‘What do you do if …’
Adult: ‘Why don’t you …’
Adult: ‘Yes, but …’
Psychological Paradigm: Parent-Child.
Parent: ‘I can make you grateful for my help.’
Child: ‘Go ahead and try.’
Moves: (1) Problem-Solution. (2) Objection-Solution. (3) Objection-Disconcertion.
Advantages: (1) Internal Psychological – reassurance. (2) External Psychological – avoids surrender. (3) Internal Social –YDYB, Parental role. (4) External Social – YDYB, Child role. (5) Biological – rational discussion. (6) Existential – Everybody wants to dominate me.
REFERENCES
1. von Chamisso, Adelbert, Peter Schlemiel, Calder, 1957.
2. de Kock, Paul. One of the most popular works of this nineteenth-century librettist and novelist is A Good-Natured Fellow, about a man who gives away too much.
9 · Sexual Games
SOME games are