Gasping for Airtime - Jay Mohr [0]
“Ultra Violet (Light My Way)” by Paul Hewson, Dave Evans, Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen. Copyright © 1991 Universal—Polygram International Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
“Cherub Rock,” by Billy Corgan. © 1992 Cinderful Music/Chrysalis Songs (BMI). All Rights administered by Chrysalis Songs. All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission. WARNER BROS. PUBLICATIONS U.S. INC., Miami, FL 33014.
“You Don’t Know How It Feels,” by Tom Petty. © 1994 Gone Gator Music (ASCAP). All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission. WARNER BROS. PUBLICATIONS U.S. INC., Miami, FL 33014.
Copyright © 2004 Giraffe Productions, Inc. f/s/o Jay Mohr
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the written permission of the Publisher. For information address Hyperion, 77 West 66th Street, New York, New York 10023-6298.
ISBN 1-4013-9984-3
First eBook Edition: June 2004
Please Visit our Web site at
www.HyperionBooks.com
FOR JACKSON
May you one day see how truly beautiful your mother is.
Contents
Acknowledgments
Prologue
Happy Hour
Chapter One
Comedy is Truth the Moment Before Anticipation
Chapter Two
Dude, How Did You Get on SNL?
Chapter Three
A Knee in the Groin
Chapter Four
Monday, Wednesday, Tuesday
Chapter Five
Swimming with Sharks
Chapter Six
Playing Well with Others
Chapter Seven
Fight or Flight?
Chapter Eight
The Motivational Speaker
Chapter Nine
Music for the Soul
Chapter Ten
Fake Pitches
Chapter Eleven
From the Cradle
Chapter Twelve
Dressing Down
Chapter Thirteen
“Good Morning, Brooklyn”
Chapter Fourteen
Lorne
Chapter Fifteen
Weekend Update
Chapter Sixteen
Give Me Little Bits of More Than I Can Take
Epilogue
Phil Hartman, U.S.A.
Acknowledgments
I would like to acknowledge everyone at Hyperion for believing in my vision. Jennifer Lang was incredibly supportive early on in the manuscript. She always offered positive reinforcement at a time I could have been easily spooked and scared away, seeing as I had never done this before.
Josh Young is the reason you are reading this book at all. He worked tirelessly to formulate my stream-of-consciousness writing/rambling into a suitable format for mass consumption.
My manager, Barry Katz, was always very encouraging and touching with his input. Thank you, Barry.
Without Lorne Michaels there would be no book. For that matter, there would be a very different me. Thank you, Lorne, for deciding to hire me for the show. When I was last on The Tonight Show, I was introduced as a “former cast member on Saturday Night Live.” I have done almost twenty movies and a dozen television projects, but Saturday Night Live, for better or for worse, is the stick by which I am measured. I have zero regrets whatsoever.
The biggest thank-you on earth wouldn’t be sufficient for my wife, Nicole. We dated throughout my SNL career, and Nicole, you stuck by me in my darkest, craziest times. I’m sorry I didn’t call after the earthquake. I was drowning and should have realized that you were land. Thank you for our son. Because of you, I live forever.
—JM
Prologue
Happy Hour
IT WAS glorious. I was sitting in the back of a restaurant at 2:00 A.M. with Lorne Michaels on my left, Patti Reagan on my right, and the entire cast and crew of Saturday Night Live spread out before us. Patti’s tits were pushed up to her chin and she was dripping with diamonds. I couldn’t help noticing that she had a piece of spinach stuck to her two front teeth, making it appear as if they had been knocked out in a bar fight. She was really drunk and she wasn’t saying much, so she was easy to ignore. Lorne, however, was looking typically regal and totally relaxed, and he was treating me like I was his new neighbor in the Hamptons who dropped in for an afternoon cocktail.