Gasping for Airtime - Jay Mohr [20]
After hearing me quote the Christopher Walken/Dennis Hopper scene from the movie True Romance, Rob Schneider approached me on my second Monday evening and suggested that we write up a Christopher Walken sketch. I was excited about the collaboration, mostly because Rob knew what the hell he was doing and I didn’t. He told me he had three other sketches he was working on, but he definitely wanted to write up a Walken piece on Tuesday once he cleared himself some time.
On Tuesday, Rob showed up for work around midnight. He quickly prioritized the sketches he was writing, and due to the fact that I didn’t spot him the minute he arrived and couldn’t find him for several more hours, mine was last. At around 3:00 A.M. on Wednesday morning, we began to write. At 5:00 A.M. Rob said he was fighting a cold and needed to go home.
“When will we finish the sketch?” I asked.
“In the morning,” he said over his shoulder as he walked to the elevators.
At noon the next day, there was no sign of Rob. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I called him at his apartment. He was sleeping—and very pissed that I woke him up. “When are we going to finish the sketch?” I asked. This elicted a long pause, followed by “When I get there.” And then he hung up.
I expected him to arrive momentarily. Apparently, however, my wake-up call was successful because Rob returned at three in the afternoon, carrying a large Starbucks coffee. With read-through just two hours away, I was a madman. I ranted and raved. How fucking dare he? Rob seemed rather nonplussed. Before he had finished his coffee, the sketch was finished. Rob then quietly walked me through the hallways to the then mysterious drop-off place for sketches. It was a half hour to read-through and we were in the game.
The sketch was entitled “Psychic Friends Network.” Though it didn’t generate many laughs at read-through, I wasn’t concerned. I knew we had something. I don’t think anyone at the table had ever heard a Christopher Walken impression before. After read-through was over, Rob kept assuring me the sketch would get on. I’m sure I annoyed the hell out of him—but I figured the time I had spent watching the sun come up while waiting for him made us even.
After an eternity, Lorne’s door swung open. The moment of truth had come. I walked into the office and looked up at the corkboard and there it was. Directly above “Good-nights” was “Psychic Friends Network.” Hallelujah!
I rushed to my office to call my parents. With each step, my shoes squeaked “kiss…my…ass.” As quickly as I could, I spread the word to every person I knew: Don’t miss this week’s show! I told everyone every joke in the sketch. I even read the sketch aloud over the phone to some very patient friends.
That week’s host was Shannen Doherty, who played Sean Young in the sketch. The basic premise was that a lot of crazy celebrities you wouldn’t want in your head were offering psychic advice. At the time, there were reports of Sean Young doing nutty things, like showing up at Batman movie director Joel Schumacher’s office dressed in a catsuit in hopes of winning the role. Though Ms. Doherty wasn’t crazy about mocking Sean Young, the sketch was rewritten—i.e., shortened—and rehearsed, and the host’s hesitancy was pretty much ignored.
As the week progressed from Wednesday’s read-through, I started getting uneasy vibes that things weren’t going to roll my way—even though no one was verbalizing any warning signs. Nevertheless, the sketch was still in the lineup on Saturday. David Spade was to play Crispin Glover, Tim Meadows was to play Todd Bridges, and wardrobe had made a slinky, sexy catsuit for Miss Doherty. We all performed the sketch at dress rehearsal, which occurs at 8:00 P.M. in front of a live audience. (The audience is then switched before the live show begins at 11:30 P.M.) Upon seeing the catsuit, the crowd whooped it up.
After dress rehearsal, Lorne’s office door would be sealed shut again and some sketches would be removed from the corkboard to make sure the show timed out at exactly