Gasping for Airtime - Jay Mohr [60]
The first show of my second season was hosted by Steve Martin (and the musical guest was Eric Clapton). Neither one of my sketches was on the air, but I had a few lines in three others. The funniest was a pitch meeting at a marketing firm for a new candy bar named Nutriffic! In the sketch, Chris Elliott unveiled to the candy bar makers the new jingle that his marketing firm had written for Nutriffic! Steve Martin (playing a marketing exec) sat at a table and listened patiently as Chris brought out a barbershop quartet to sing the jingle: “Nutriffic!…Nutriffic! It’s NUT very good!”
As one of the members of the barbershop quartet, my contribution was to sing the Nutriffic! jingle six times that night, four times during rehearsal and twice during the live show. I was supposed to sing it four times like everyone else during the show. However, I became distracted and forgot my last two “Nutriffics!” How in the hell could I forget a line that’s written on cue cards, repeated several times, and has three other people singing it at the same time as me?
Simple. At the very end of the sketch rehearsal, as we were walking offstage to the applause of the rehearsal audience, Chris Elliott leaned into me and asked, “Did you check out Steve Martin’s piece? He has the best hairpiece in show business.”
No, I hadn’t seen Steve Martin’s hairpiece. I had seen his head with what appeared to be real hair on top, but I hadn’t noticed a wig of any sort. It wasn’t like Steve had put on a baseball cap for the sketch and then had the cap with the hair in it fall at my feet. Was Chris messing with me? It couldn’t be a hairpiece, could it?
This burning question gnawed at me throughout the meeting in Lorne’s office between dress rehearsal and air. Then I asked other cast members if Steve Martin wore a wig. No one would commit one way or the other, but the tension was heightened by several who asked if I had ever seen his hair a different style or length. No, in fact, I hadn’t.
When the live show aired, I stood to the side of Steve Martin as I sang the Nutriffic! song. Steve never looked at me during the sketch, so I had free rein to stare at his head for as long as we were on the stage together. I stared at Steve Martin’s head so hard I could have burned a hole into his skull. Under the hot stage lights Steve began to perspire slightly, and a few beads of sweat trickled down the side of his neck. I continued to examine his head for any sign of a wig. I looked for creases and seams, staples and netting, or traces of glue. I stared until I heard the applause signaling that the sketch was over—which meant that I had stared right through two of my four lines of the week.
To this day, I have no idea if Steve Martin wears a wig, but I still have never seen his hair a different length or style.
People always ask me how cutthroat it was on the show, and I always honestly say it really wasn’t. There were many cliques, but they were easygoing and friendly ones. I never fell into one particular clique. I would visit all of them, but I never felt comfortable with any of them for very long. It was a lot like high school for me. Friends with everyone, but not really friends with anyone.
The funnest one to visit was Sandler, Spade, Farley, and Herlihy, who gathered in Sandler’s office. They would all sit around and make phone calls to the girls who had written them asking them to go the senior prom. Sandler would dial the phone and ask, “Is Lucy there?” Lucy would get on the line and Sandler would say, “Lucy, it’s Adam Sandler,” which was followed by screaming. Sandler would then explain kindly and diplomatically that he couldn’t accept her invitation to the prom because of the workload at Saturday