Gilead - Marilynne Robinson [99]
"Then her father came and her brothers, and the five of us had an earnest talk about Delia's well-being, which began with her father saying, 'You should be very glad that I am a Christian man.' He is an imposing figure. And he persuaded me that I should tell Delia to go home where she could be cared for. I did that, and she went away with them. Ah, the desolation!
The relief! I was so scared by the thought of that baby. I knew in my miserable heart that something would go wrong and I would be to blame for it. I tried to hide my relief from her, but she could see it, and she was hurt by it, I knew she was. I told her I would come to Memphis as soon as I had saved up the money. It took me weeks, because I had some debts and the fellows found me. I expected they would, and that was another reason I was glad to let her go, but of course I couldn't explain 2 that to her. Finally, I wrote to my father and told him I needed money—he hadn't heard from me in a year at least—and he sent me three times as much as I asked for. And there was a note telling me that you were getting married.
"During those weeks there was a revival, a tent meeting, down by the river. I used to walk over there every night because there were crowds and noise and there wasn't much alcohol. One night a man standing just beside me, as close to me as you are, went down as if he'd been shot. When he came up again, he threw his arms around me and said, 'My burdens are gone from me! I have become as a little child!' I thought, If I'd been standing two feet to the left, that might have been me. I'm joking, of course, more or less. But it's a fact that if I could have traded places with him, my whole life would be different, in the sense that I might have been able to look Delia's father in the eye, maybe even my father. That I would no longer be regarded as quite such a threat to the soul of my child. That man was standing there with sawdust in his beard, saying, 'I was the worst of sinners!' and he looked as if that might well be true. And there he was weeping with repentance and relief while I stood watching with my hands in my pockets, feeling nothing but anxiety and shame. And a certain amusement, if you will forgive me. But the next day my father's letter came and I got a decent coat and a bus ticket and I was all right then.
"When I got to Memphis the baby had just been born the day before, and the house was full of aunts and women from the church, coming and going. They let me come in and sit in a corner. I don't think anyone knew what to do with me till her father came home, so they just went on with their business. If the day had been warmer, I think I'd have been sitting on the stoop. One woman said to me, 'They're both just fine. They're sleeping.' And she brought me a newspaper, which was kind of her. It eased my embarrassment to have something to look at. "When her father finally did come home, the room emptied and the house became completely still. I stood up, but be didn't offer to shake hands. The first words he said to me were 'I understand you are not a veteran.' Ah. I told him some lie about my heart, and then I regretted it instantly, because I felt I had made myself sound feeble, but I needn't have worried about that, because I could tell he didn't believe a word. As I recall, Deuteronomy says cowardice forbids one from going to the army. 'What man is there that is fearful and faint-hearted? Let him go and return unto his house, lest his brother's heart melt as his heart.' So I had scriptural warrant, though I chose not to mention it.
"He said, 'I understand you are descended from John