Glasshouse - Charles Stross [6]
“No.” She cuddles up against me and strokes my neck. I feel a momentary sense of wonder as I stiffen against her, then I begin to trace the edges of her nipples, and her breath catches. It must be the drugs, I think; I couldn’t possibly stay aroused this long without some external input, could I? “You’d be a good subject for Yourdon’s experiment.”
“Yourdon’s what?”
She pushes at my chest and I roll onto my back obligingly to let her mount me. There are toys scattered round the bed, mewing and begging to be used, but she seems to need to do this the traditional way, bareback skin on skin: she probably sees it as a way of reconnecting with what it means to be human or something. My breath hisses as I grab her buttocks and pull her down onto me.
“The experiment. He’s looking for serious amnesia cases, offering a referral fee to finders. I’ll tell you later.”
And then we stop talking, because speech is simply getting in the way of communication, and in the here and now, she’s all I need.
AFTERWARD, I walk home through avenues carpeted with soft, living grass, roofed in green marble slabs carved from the lithosphere of a planet hundreds of teraklicks away. I am alone with my thoughts, netlink silenced save for a route map that promises me a five-kilometer walk avoiding all other persons. Though I carry my sword, I don’t feel any desire to be challenged. I need time to think, because when I get home my therapist will be waiting for me, and I need to be clear in my own head about who I think I am becoming before I talk to it.
Here I am, awake and alive—whoever I am. I’m Robin, aren’t I? I have a slew of fuzzy memories, traces left behind by memory washes that blur my earlier lives into an impressionist haze. I had to look up my own age shortly after I woke. Turns out I’m nearly seven billion seconds old, though I have the emotional stability of a postadolescent a tenth that age. Once upon a time people who lived even two gigaseconds were senescent. How can I be so old yet feel so young and inexperienced?
There are huge, mysterious holes in my life. Obviously I must have had sex before, but I don’t remember it. Clearly I have dueled—my reflexes and unconscious skills made short work of Gwyn—but I don’t remember training, or killing, except in mysterious flashes that could equally well be leftover memories of entertainments. The letter from my earlier self said I was an academic, a military historian specializing in religious manias, sleeper cults, and emergent dark ages. If so, I don’t remember any of it at all. Maybe it’s buried deep, to re-emerge when I need it—and maybe it’s gone for good. Whatever grade of memory excision my earlier self requested must have been perilously close to a total wipe.
So what’s left?
There are fractured shards of memory all over the lobby of my Cartesian theatre, waiting for me to slip and cut myself on them. I’m in male orthohuman form right now, orthodox product of natural selection. This shape feels right to me, but I think there was a time when I was something much stranger—for some reason, I have the idea that I might have been a tank. (Either that, or I mainlined one too many wartime adventure virtches, and they stuck with me through memory surgery even when more important parts went missing.) The sense of implacable extensibility, coldly controlled violence . . . yes, maybe I was a tank. If so, at one time I guarded a critical network gate. Traffic between polities, like traffic within a polity, passes over T-gates, point-to-point wormholes linking distant locations. T-gates have two endpoints, and are unfiltered—anything can pass through one, from one end to the other. While this isn’t a problem within a polity, it’s a huge problem when you’re defending a network frontier against attack from other polities. Hence the firewall. My job, as part of the frontier guard, was to make sure that inbound travelers went straight into an A-gate—an assembler array that disassembled, uploaded, and analyzed them for threats, before routing them as serial data to