Go tell it on the mountain - James Baldwin [64]
So it was over. Though it left him bruised and frightened, though he had lost the respect of Esther for ever (he prayed that she would never again come to hear him preach) he thanked God that it had been worse. He prayed that God would forgive him, and never let him fall again.
Yet what frightened him, and kept him more than ever on his knees, was the knowledge that, once having fallen, nothing would be easier than to fall again. Having possessed Esther, the carnal man awoke, seeing the possibility of conquest everywhere. He was made to remember that though he was holy he was yet young; the women who had wanted him wanted him still; he had but to stretch out his hand and take what he wanted—even sisters in the church. He struggled to wear out his visions in the marriage bed, he struggled to awaken Deborah, for whom daily his hatred grew.
He and Esther spoke in the yard again as spring was just beginning. The ground was still with melting snow and ice; the sun was everywhere; the naked branches of the trees seemed to be lifting themselves upward toward the pale sun, impatient to put forth leaf and flower. He was standing at the well in his shirt-sleeves, singing softly to himself—praising God for the dangers he had passed. She came down the porch steps into the yard, and though he heard the soft steps, and knew that it was she, it was a moment before he turned round.
He expected her to come up to him and ask for his help in something she was doing in the house. When she did not speak, he turned around. She was wearing a light, cotton dress of light-brown squares, and her hair was braided tightly all around her head. She looked like a little girl, and he almost smiled. Then: ‘What’s the matter?’ he asked her; and felt the heart within him sicken.
‘Gabriel,’ she said, ‘I going to have a baby.’
He stared at her; she began to cry. He put the two pails of water carefully on the ground. She put out her hands to reach him, but he moved away.
‘Girl, stop that bellering. What you talking about?’
But, having allowed her tears to begin, she could not stop them at once. She continued to cry, weaving a little where she stood, and with her hands to her face. He looked in panic around the yard and toward the house. ‘Stop that,’ he cried again, not daring here and now to touch her, ‘and tell me what’s the matter!’
‘I told you,’ she moaned, ‘I done told you. I going to have a baby.’ She looked at him, her face broken up and the hot tear falling. ‘It’s the Lord’s truth. I ain’t making up no story, it’s the Lord’s truth.’
He could not take his eyes from her, though he hated what he saw. ‘And when you done find this out?’
‘Not so long. I thought maybe I was mistook. But ain’t no mistake. Gabriel, what we going to do?’
Then, as she watched his face, her tears began again.
‘Hush,’ he said, with a calm that astonished him, ‘we going to do something, just you be quiet.’
‘What we going to do, Gabriel? Tell me—what you a-fixing in your mind to do?’
‘You go on back in the house. Ain’t no way for us to talk now.’
‘Gabriel——’
‘Go on in the house, girl. Go on!’ And when she did not move, but continued to stare at him: ‘We going to talk it to-night. We going to get to the bottom of this thing to-night!’
She turned from him and started up the porch steps. ‘And dry your face,’ he whispered. She bent over, lifting the front of her