Gods and Generals - Jeff Shaara [10]
White sat silently, waited for Jackson to continue. The silence lasted over a minute, and White finally said, “Major Jackson, I have always considered you not only a guiding force in this church, but I have also considered you my friend. There are few in this congregation who share my devotion to doing God’s good work as much as you. Please do not hesitate to freely discuss with me anything, anything at all. I had hoped you would visit me sooner. You have suffered a loss that no one can realize unless they have lived through it.”
Jackson sat without moving, stared at White’s desk, then looked up, into his eyes. “I have heard . . . that God punishes us for loving each other too much. There are those . . . who have come to visit . . . friends . . . I suppose. They offer kind words, advice. I have been told . . . ” He stopped, tried again to form the words.
“I have been told that if we do not suppress our love for human things, and give more to God, He . . . makes us pay with great pain. I . . . am not sure I believe that. And yet . . . I am finding it harder to keep the pain away.”
“It’s an interesting doctrine, but I must say, not a very comforting one. Do you feel you and Anna have been punished?”
Jackson thought, glanced at the ceiling, then around the room.
“I . . . well, no. God has His reasons . . . Anna has suffered a great deal. I have told her we must try harder to please Him, that He has given us a lesson. It does not seem to help her. The path I chose, marrying Anna, was the correct one. I truly believe that. But I may love her too much. Is it possible . . . God has given us . . . a warning?”
White put his hands together, under his chin, and looked down.
Jackson continued. “If it is wrong for me to love anyone but God . . . if I have to, I can do that.”
White looked up, said, “You have made a giant leap of interpretation there, I must say. You are accepting what has happened in your life as a direct result of an act of God. Step away, Major, back away from your own pain, and look around you. Your loss is not yours alone. What of your family? What of the people in your life, who share the pain of your loss? And, excuse me, Major, but what of the baby?”
“The baby?” Jackson stiffened, did not want to think about the baby.
“Was the baby punished because you gave it love? Major, I do not know why God does the things He does, but I believe you have the same duty to God as you have always had: to follow the right path, to live your life with a clear conscience. If God decides to inform you why He is doing whatever it is He chooses to do, then please come and tell me. But I suspect, Major, that you may only learn the Great Answers when He calls you away from this life.”
Jackson pondered again, absorbed the words, began to feel a release, a load removed. He had assumed an awful guilt for the baby’s death, had assumed it was his fault. He sat silently, scolded himself for his ego, his presumptions.
After a long, quiet pause, White said, “Major, do you miss your mother?”
The question caught Jackson by surprise. He looked at White, puzzled, thought about his mother. “I suppose . . . well, I try not to. It serves no purpose. She died when I was very young. God would not want me to dwell on that . . . the pain.”
“Well, maybe. But do you miss her? Do you ever talk to her, pray to her? If we believe that all our departed loved ones sit with God, then maybe it is she who watches over you, who might provide you some guidance.”
Jackson stared at White, fought, pushed away the image of his mother. “I . . . don’t think I can do that. It seems odd to pray . . . not to God.”
“Don’t look for answers, Major, look for guidance, for comfort. And do not fear love. I believe that God would be happy if you sought out the guiding hand of someone who loves you as much as your mother loves you.”
Jackson thought again, did not like thinking of her. When she entered his mind, the brief glimpses, the memories,