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There’s a very simple way to eliminate the internal mind game that creates such pressure. It merely involves substituting the phrase, “I want to do X because …” for the words “I must or should do X.” When you say “want” with conviction, followed by a reason, you take full responsibility for your wishes and actions. As a result you’ll either release a source of energy and motivation to accomplish X, or you’ll realize that you’re incapable of doing X, or don’t want to do it at all.

Here’s an assignment. Make sure you follow it exactly! If you already feel pressure to comply with my command, you’ll know that you have a tendency to be a “shouldnik,” and this exercise may help you overcome this tendency. For two weeks I encourage you to become acutely aware of every time you say, “I should,” or its equivalent. When you consciously hear it, pay careful attention to how you feel inside—your bodily sensations—just after you admonish yourself. Then substitute the phrase “want” for “should” and pay attention again to the physical sensations in your body. Compare the two and notice the difference.

Do an exercise with me now. Say to yourself with conviction, “I should …” (insert something you’ve been putting off, such as practicing sand shots, working on your short game, cutting the grass, balancing the checkbook, washing windows, writing to so and so). What does it feel like in your body when you say this? Make a mental note of the physical feelings.

Now say to yourself, “I want to …” (insert what you said you should do), paying close attention to the bodily sensations that are generated as you think about doing it. Are the “want” feelings different from the “should” feelings? Do you still want to do it? Are you more determined than before to do it? Do you want to get someone else to do it for you? Or do you want to scrap the whole idea?

I can almost guarantee that if you use this exercise faithfully for two full weeks—substituting “want” for every time you say “should”—you’ll feel much differently about yourself and your life. If you feel that you should complete this assignment, ask yourself if you really want to. It’s important that you do it out of desire, not compulsion.

Perfectionism

Frequently, “shouldniks” are perfectionists. Perfectionists are people who leave no stone unturned to make whatever they do absolutely perfect, without flaw. They are relentless. Please don’t misunderstand me. Doing things superbly and paying attention to detail is very important. Perfectionism, though, is the compulsion that things must be just so; it generates a pressure to perform beyond anyone’s capability, let alone your own.

There is no such thing as a perfect golf shot. “Perfect” performance in golf, as in any sport, is a paradox. A truly fine golf shot actually evolves out of exquisite ongoing, unconscious correction of error. You make the necessary modifications in your swing automatically when what you’re actually doing doesn’t match your intention. The better the golfer, the more corrections he makes. He’s a master at making unconscious corrections. When you accept this, perfection becomes a myth. Perfection is replaced with the knowledge that making errors and correcting them is what makes a good golf shot, including a hole-in-one.

Peter Famiano, the club pro at Crestmont, reframed his own dogged determination to play perfectly by accepting the concept of error correction. He gave himself permission to make mistakes on the golf course, since they were inevitable. He anchors this state by carrying a South African golf pencil in his pocket when he competes. South African pencils, unlike U.S. golf pencils, have erasers on them.

If you’re a “shouldnik” or a perfectionist, hitting a poor shot is analogous to having an unplayable lie. Even though you might be able to hit the ball feebly, give yourself relief. In your mind move two club lengths away from compulsive perfection and take a free drop into a place of curiosity. On the course