Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [43]
suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY? ARE THESE TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN?
257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, LIVE I MUST NOT, DIE I DARE NOT. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE, THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: SINNER, THOU THINKEST, THAT BECAUSE THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES, I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL; BUT BEHOLD MY SON IS BY ME, AND UPON HIM I LOOK, AND NOT ON THEE, AND SHALL DEAL WITH THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE HAVE DONE, BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US, ETC. 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, LET ME DIE: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE INDEED, TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, HEIRS OF GOD, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: HEIRS OF GOD! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel's carrying LAZARUS into ABRAHAM'S bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, SO IT SHALL BE WITH THEE WHEN THOU DOST LEAVE THIS WORLD. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when
256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY? ARE THESE TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN?
257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, LIVE I MUST NOT, DIE I DARE NOT. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE, THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!
258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: SINNER, THOU THINKEST, THAT BECAUSE THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES, I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL; BUT BEHOLD MY SON IS BY ME, AND UPON HIM I LOOK, AND NOT ON THEE, AND SHALL DEAL WITH THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.
259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE HAVE DONE, BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US, ETC. 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, LET ME DIE: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE INDEED, TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, HEIRS OF GOD, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: HEIRS OF GOD! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.
260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God's goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel's carrying LAZARUS into ABRAHAM'S bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, SO IT SHALL BE WITH THEE WHEN THOU DOST LEAVE THIS WORLD. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when