Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [54]
patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.
332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: THEY WERE STONED, THEY WERE SAWN ASUNDER, WERE TEMPTED, WERE SLAIN WITH THE SWORD, THEY WANDERED ABOUT IN SHEEP-SKINS, AND GOAT-SKINS, BEING DESTITUTE, AFFLICTED, TORMENTED, OF WHOM THE WORLD WAS NOT WORTHY; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, THE HOLY GHOST WITNESSETH IN EVERY CITY, THAT BONDS AND AFFLICTIONS ABIDE ME. I have verily thought that MY soul and IT have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most DELICATE reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, THAT MY IMPRISONMENT MIGHT END AT THE GALLOWS FOR OUGHT THAT I COULD TELL. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: BUT HOW IF, WHEN YOU COME INDEED TO DIE, YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS CONDITION; THAT IS, AS NOT TO SAVOUR THE THINGS OF GOD, NOR TO HAVE ANY EVIDENCE UPON YOUR SOUL FOR A BETTER STATE HEREAFTER? (for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul).
334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, BUT WHITHER MUST YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE? WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU? WHERE WILL YOU BE FOUND IN ANOTHER WORLD? WHAT EVIDENCE HAVE YOU FOR HEAVEN AND GLORY, AND AN INHERITANCE AMONG THEM THAT ARE SANCTIFIED? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me, THAT IT WAS FOR THE WORD AND WAY OF GOD THAT I WAS IN THIS CONDITION, WHEREFORE I WAS ENGAGED NOT TO FLINCH AN HAIR'S BREADTH FROM IT.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being
332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: THEY WERE STONED, THEY WERE SAWN ASUNDER, WERE TEMPTED, WERE SLAIN WITH THE SWORD, THEY WANDERED ABOUT IN SHEEP-SKINS, AND GOAT-SKINS, BEING DESTITUTE, AFFLICTED, TORMENTED, OF WHOM THE WORLD WAS NOT WORTHY; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them. I have also thought of that saying, THE HOLY GHOST WITNESSETH IN EVERY CITY, THAT BONDS AND AFFLICTIONS ABIDE ME. I have verily thought that MY soul and IT have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most DELICATE reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.
333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, THAT MY IMPRISONMENT MIGHT END AT THE GALLOWS FOR OUGHT THAT I COULD TELL. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: BUT HOW IF, WHEN YOU COME INDEED TO DIE, YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS CONDITION; THAT IS, AS NOT TO SAVOUR THE THINGS OF GOD, NOR TO HAVE ANY EVIDENCE UPON YOUR SOUL FOR A BETTER STATE HEREAFTER? (for indeed at that time all the things of God were hid from my soul).
334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.
335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.
336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, BUT WHITHER MUST YOU GO WHEN YOU DIE? WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU? WHERE WILL YOU BE FOUND IN ANOTHER WORLD? WHAT EVIDENCE HAVE YOU FOR HEAVEN AND GLORY, AND AN INHERITANCE AMONG THEM THAT ARE SANCTIFIED? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me, THAT IT WAS FOR THE WORD AND WAY OF GOD THAT I WAS IN THIS CONDITION, WHEREFORE I WAS ENGAGED NOT TO FLINCH AN HAIR'S BREADTH FROM IT.
337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being