Grace After Midnight_ A Memoir - Felicia Pearson [35]
Then when I got stuck in the city jail and later sent down to the Cut, I seen ladies who couldn’t stop jumping for Jesus. They looked as crazy as the girls who were in there for murdering their boyfriends. Lots of time they were the girls who’d murdered their boyfriends. I stayed clear of them bitches.
Someone’s always trying to convert your ass in jail. Someone’s always throwing a Bible at you and getting you to see the light. Well, the only light I saw was the light coming out of that little window in my cell. I didn’t see no magical light.
But something amazing did happen to me a month after Uncle got hit. I’m gonna try to describe it best as I can, but it ain’t gonna be perfect. It can’t be, ’cause I don’t understand it.
I was sleeping. I was dreaming. I don’t even remember the dream, but I do remember when I opened my eyes I thought I was still dreaming. I actually pinched myself real hard to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I wasn’t.
I felt something. I felt a presence. Something was in that cell. Something was surrounding me. I felt like it was coming in me; and I felt like it was coming out of me. It was a sweet warm energy flowing all around me. It had me smiling. I had no reason to be smiling, but I was. I don’t smile all that much, so for me to be smiling in the middle of the night for no goddamn reason is crazy. But this was crazy. This was more than a good feeling. This was something moving me and changing me and causing me to smile. This was saying to me, “It’s all right. It’s okay. Everything’s cool. Everything’s right.” It wasn’t saying that in words, but that was the feeling.
Then I felt Uncle’s presence.
I ain’t saying he came back from the grave. I didn’t see nothing. But he was there with me. I know how it felt when Uncle came round, and, believe me, in the dead of night he had come round. Motherfucker was there.
He was there and carrying love with him. He was saying—least the feeling was saying—that love is something that’s always there. It comes to you. You accept or you reject it. You accept it and it’s yours. Reject it and it’s gone. That’s it.
You go up or you go down.
This middle-of-the-night feeling had me up. More up than I’d ever been in my life.
I was rejoicing for the feeling. I wanted to wake up every last bitch asleep at Grandma’s House and tell ’em the good news.
Love’s all around.
Love’s come to town.
Love’s in the Cut.
And that love wasn’t nothing we had to buy or work for.
Was just there.
Free.
Beautiful.
Next morning I saw my godmother, Denise. I had to tell her about it. Denise is church people, and I knew she’d understand.
“That’s grace,” she said.
“What’s grace?” I asked her.
“God’s free love. It’s yours. You get it ’cause he’s giving it. He done paid the price for you.”
“Grace,” I repeated.
“Amazing grace,” she added.
“It came after midnight,” I said. “Grace after midnight.”
HOME STRETCH
This business of counting days will drive you crazy.
I was still eighteen. My new good behavior was being noticed, but I knew I couldn’t risk another negative move.
Now that I saw the light, I wanted to move into the light.
The light from that little window in my cell was shining brighter every day. Even if the day was gray, I’d see light inside the gray. The sky might be coal black, but I’d see light in a distant star.
If you look for light, you find it.
If you pray for hope, you get it.
I found light and I found hope.
When CO and I could manage our secret little meetings, she’d say, “Snoop, you a whole different person. I see you smiling.”
“Uncle put that smile on my face,” I said. “The only way I could have learned that lesson was through the fucked-up pain of his death. I saw what happened to him, my favorite guy in the world. Exact same thing was gonna happen to me if I didn’t turn this shit around. I’d get out of here and start acting the fool all over again. Those negative vibes were all over me. You saw that.”
“I’ve always seen something better than that in you,” said CO. “I seen someone decent and good.”
We’d hug,