Greywalker - Kat Richardson [54]
“Are you going to help me?”
“Yes.”
“Then you shall have to learn to relax into the Grey. It’s not so bad as you think. It’s not hard. But it’s only in the Grey that you’ll be able to understand the problem and track it down—as you would a missing person or a stolen object, here.”
I turned and peered at her. “You want me to try this, right now?”
“Yes. It’s simple. Do what you did before, but once you’re in the Grey, just relax. Don’t fight.”
I had strong reservations, but I tried it.
It wasn’t too bad, at first. I’d had enough practice last night to have a feel for the edge of the Grey pretty well, though it rippled and moved like a flag snapping in a stiff breeze. Each time I approached it, a wave of nausea flooded over me and my heart raced.
Albert crept in and I yelled at him, “Don’t help me!” The break dumped me back into the hall with my head ringing. A combination of fear and fury left me shaking.
I settled myself back down and tried again. The writhing curtain wall of the Grey flooded up very fast and I pushed across the edge before I could change my mind. The snowstorm light twisted and heaved around me with a blizzard howl. I clapped my hands over my ears and staggered as the steamed-mirror world budded with the suggestion of monsters and armies of formless dead. The cold pushed through my skin, trying to touch me someplace deeper, frosting my flesh with ice.
“No!” I yelled and yanked myself backward, away from the rain-mist wall, crashing back to the floor of the Danzigers’ front hall on my knees.
Horrified, Mara was on her feet, reaching down to me. “Harper!”
I pushed her hands aside. “No. Don’t touch me.” I smacked my hands onto the plain, solid wood of the bench and shoved myself up to my feet. “There’s something in there. I cannot go in there and let it at me.”
“That’s your fear. You’re fighting so hard, you only see what you expect to see. You have to let go.”
“I can’t.”
She glared at me. “You mean you won’t.”
I snapped back. “All right. I won’t.”
“You must. You’re just afraid and it won’t—”
“Damned straight! Damned. Straight.” I shoved a hand through my recently chopped hair and almost cried when the hair ended too soon. I swallowed a vile lump in my throat.
I bit my lip and grabbed my bag. “I can’t do this. I can’t. I won’t. Whatever word you want to use. I—”
I wrenched around and reached for the door. Albert, looking solid as a plank, intruded.
Behind me, Mara was saying, “Harper, don’t bolt. You have to try or your fear will eat you!”
I shot her a look over my shoulder which sent her a step back with wide eyes. “I. Can’t. Do. What you want me to do! I can’t!”
I felt hot with terror-fed fury. I whipped back to Albert and hissed through clenched teeth, “Get out of my way or I swear I will find a way to hurt you.”
He slipped away. I slammed out the door and ran.
I drove and I didn’t know where or why I wasn’t arrested. I couldn’t see anything but flooding, pressing Grey around the windows for minute-eternities. Shock-cold chilled my nerves. I pulled to the curb until I stopped shaking.
I couldn’t remember ever saying that before: “I can’t.” Even as a kid being pushed to perform, the phrase never came from my lips. “I don’t know how,” “I’m afraid,” “I’m not good enough,” all kinds of propitiations and excuses, but not that one. Not “I can’t.” I felt sick.
I closed my eyes and took slow breaths until my chest and throat stopped aching. I was tired, but I pulled the Rover away from the curb and headed to the office, where I left it in the parking lot.
I didn’t want to sit in the middle of the routine haunting, so I started walking.
I walked up Third for a while, paying very little attention to where I was going, trying to ignore the flitter of Grey in the corners of my eyes. I looked up when I reached the Bon Marché and realized I was only a few blocks from the address Sarah had given me for Edward’s condo. I’d nearly forgotten. Good, old-fashioned work.
I used the ladies’ lounge at the department store to clean up, then started toward the Paramount Theater.
The condo was in a swanky