Growing Up Laughing_ My Story and the Story of Funny - Marlo Thomas [21]
In comes the parrot. Looks up at the old man and says, “Nu? Vat are you doing?”
And the old man says, “You got a mouth now, huh? You’re talking. Forty-eight-hundred you cost me—vouldn’t make one chant! I’m gonna take that knife and cut off your head!”
The parrot says, “Vait! Vait! Don’t be such a dummy. Vait for Yom Kippur—ve’ll get bigger odds!”
My barber, Harry Gelbart, told me that story. I gotta go back and get another haircut, real soon . . .
DID YA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT . . .
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
“Rome?” the barber asks. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go there. What airline are you taking?”
“United,” the guys says.
“United?” says the barber. “Terrible airline! The planes are old, the flight attendants are rude, and they’re always late. Where are you staying in Rome?”
“The International Marriott,” the guy says.
“That dump?” says the barber. “Worst hotel in the city. Overpriced, small rooms and lousy service. So whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to the Vatican. We hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people. He’ll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man returns for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” the man says. “The planes were on time and we even got bumped up to first class. The hotel was gorgeous but overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite—at no extra charge! And the food was incredible.”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually,” the man says, “we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, then took me to the Pope’s private chamber. The door opens, the Pope walks in and I nearly fainted. I knelt down and he spoke to me.”
“My God!” said the amazed barber. “What did he say?”
“He said, ‘Where’d you get the lousy haircut?’ ”
Chapter 12
He Said/He Said—Ben and Jerry Stiller
Ben Stiller grew up a lot like I did—only harder. Both of his parents were performers—the popular comedy team of Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara—and like all comics, they frequently went on the road. Ben likes to tell stories of how, when his parents were home, he and his sister Amy would perform for them. Maybe all showbiz kids do this. Terre and I were always putting on shows—from our closet. It had a sliding door, which one of us would pull back so that the other could pop out and do her bit. We even had theme songs. Children everywhere imitate the grown-ups in their lives—showbiz kids just have more material to work with. In the 1970s, Stiller and Meara were regular guests on a popular game show called Tattletales, in which celebrity couples had to answer questions about each other—separately. So that’s how I decided to talk to Ben and Jerry—first Ben, then Jerry.
—M.T.
Rehearsing at Home
Ben: When my parents weren’t on the road, they were always writing their act together at home, and my sister Amy and I could hear them. There was this one routine they did called “The Hate Sketch,” about a married couple and how much they hated each other. They would just go off: “I hate you,” “I hate you so much,” “I have such a big hate for you.” We’d hear them yelling and we weren’t sure if they were rehearsing or fighting. To my sister and me, this was what we were living with, and we didn’t realize till later how funny that was.
Jerry: Our apartment wasn’t very big—maybe five rooms—so Anne and I would rehearse in the living room. We’d turn on a tape recorder and write our act. So one day we’re practicing “The Hate Sketch”—screaming at each other—and Amy walks in. She couldn’t have been more than three years old and she was crying. She said, “Mommy and Daddy fight?” I said, “No, no, honey, Mommy and Daddy rehearse!” Two weeks later, Anne and I were having an argument, and Amy