Growing Up Laughing_ My Story and the Story of Funny - Marlo Thomas [77]
DID YA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT . . .
A woman goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem.
I’m passing gas all day long. Just these silent little farts.
In fact, as I’m standing here talking to you, I’ve had three or
four silent, little farts. What do you think?”
The doctor says, “I think you need to have your hearing examined.”
•
Mrs. Cohen’s doctor called her and said, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
•
Two guys talking.
One guy says, “Doc, I need to have my eyes examined.”
The other guy says, “I’ll say. You’re in a gas station.”
Chapter 39
The Book on Kathy Griffin
Kathy Griffin is the girl we all knew in school—the sassy, outrageous cut-up who made us laugh and had the teachers tearing their hair out, even as they fought the urge to crack up at her themselves. Awed by her brashness and her impish grin, we wish we could be just as fearless. But no matter how brazen she gets—even when she makes us squirm—we always forgive her, because we’ve known her all our lives. And we admire her insistence on being exactly who she is and saying exactly what she thinks.
—M.T.
Chapter One: Bad Girl
Marlo: You’re known as a loose cannon. And, according to your own accounts, you’ve been banned from The View . . .
Kathy: A lifetime ban.
Marlo:. . . and barred from The Tonight Show . . .
Kathy: Because Jay and I had a fight.
Marlo: What’s going on here?
Kathy: Well, it’s usually a matter of me being inappropriate. Or exposing.
Marlo: What does that mean—“exposing”?
Kathy: I am their nightmare. I’m not afraid to say anything. It’s not that I don’t care anymore, it’s just that I’ve already gotten into trouble as much as I can. I know what my boundaries are. I know that if I swear on a show, they’re going to bleep it. When I swore on Letterman, they never had me back—and that was ten years ago. But they have Paris Hilton on the show, and she did a sex tape and shows her crotch when she gets out of a car. But because I swore, I was considered offensive.
Marlo: You mention Paris Hilton a lot. She’s one of the celebrities you’re absolutely brutal about. Then there’s Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Oprah. Why have you chosen these particular people?
Kathy: I would say that to be a candidate in my act, you have to be big enough so that people care. These people have unlimited amounts of fame and ego. And take Ryan Seacrest—he admits that he’s famous for nothing!
Marlo: I see . . .
Kathy: It’s so funny—some fellow D-List celebrity will come up to me and say, “You know, you better not put me in your act!” And I’ll say, “Don’t worry, you’re not famous enough.” But a household name—like Oprah or Whitney or Paula Abdul—they’re candidates for my act because everybody knows who they are.
Marlo: But what I’m getting at is, what do these people have in common besides fame? Why would you go after Celine and Paula and Lindsay Lohan, but not someone like, say, Julia Roberts, who’s very famous—not that I think you should go after her . . .
Kathy: Because they have it all and they’re full of shit.
Look, the main reason I make fun of people is because of the choices they’ve made or the behavior they’ve displayed. Everyone gets that. People literally clapped with glee when they heard that Paris Hilton was going to jail. They look at Paris’s behavior or Lindsay’s behavior and think it’s appalling, because you and I never could have gotten away with that stuff when we were 19 or 20.
Marlo: You seem especially fascinated with the sex life of big stars. Why is that any of your business—or anybody’s business?
Kathy: I think it’s because our real sex lives are so imperfect, that when you hear these celebrity couples say they have sex once a day, you’re like, “Oh, bullshit! You can’t have sex once a day!” And I love it when celebrities go on talk shows after they’ve been dating a month, and say, “This person is the one!” And you’re just thinking, Uh-huh. Tick-tock, tick-tock . . .
Marlo: Yeah, that is funny.
Kathy: Right. And it’s funny to everybody because the typical