Ham On Rye - Charles Bukowski [85]
of the Queen’s Navy…
I walked to the rear of the class and found an empty seat. Hamilton walked over and shut off the record player. He was dressed in a black-and-white pepper suit with a shirt-front of bright orange. He looked like Nelson Eddy. Then he faced the class, glanced at his wrist watch and addressed me:
“You must be Mr. Chinaski?”
I nodded.
“You are thirty minutes late.”
“Yes.”
“Would you be thirty minutes late to a wedding or a funeral?”
“No.”
“Why not, pray tell?”
“Well, if the funeral was mine I’d have to be on time. If the wedding was mine it would be my funeral.” I was always quick with the mouth. I would never learn.
“My dear sir,” said Mr. Hamilton, “we have been listening to Gilbert and Sullivan in order to learn proper enunciation. Please stand up.”
I stood up.
“Now, please sing, Stick close to your desks and never go to sea and you’ll always be the ruler of the Queen’s Navy.”
I stood there.
“Well, go ahead, please!”
I went through it and sat down.
“Mr. Chinaski, I could barely hear you. Couldn’t you sing with just a bit more verve?”
I stood up again. I sucked in a giant sea of air and let go. “IF YA WANNA BE DA RULLER OF DEY QUEEN’S NABY STICK CLOSE TA YUR DESKS AN NEVA GO TA SEA!”
I had gotten it backwards.
“Mr. Chinaski,” said Mr. Hamilton, “please sit down.”
I sat down. It was Baldy’s fault.
50
Everybody had gym period at the same time. Baldy’s locker was about four or five down from mine in the same row. I went to my locker early. Baldy and I had a similar problem. We hated wool pants because the wool itched our legs but our parents just loved for us to wear wool. I had solved the problem, for Baldy and myself, by letting him in on a secret. All you had to do was to wear your pajamas underneath the wool pants.
I opened my locker and undressed. I got my pants and pajamas off and then I took the pajamas and hid them on top of the locker. I got into my gym suit. The other guys were starting to walk in.
Baldy and I had some great pajama stories but Baldy’s was the best. He had been out with his girlfriend one night, they had gone to some dance. In between dances his girlfriend had said, “What’s that?”
“What’s what?”
“There’s something sticking out of your pant cuff.”
“What?”
“My goodness! You’re wearing your pajamas underneath your pants!”
“Oh? Oh, that…I must have forgotten…”
“I’m leaving right now!”
She never dated him again.
All the guys were changing into their gym clothes. Then Baldy walked in and opened his locker.
“How ya doing, pal?” I asked him.
“Oh, hello, Hank…”
“I’ve got a 7 a.m. English class. It really starts the day out right. Only they ought to call it Music Appreciation I.”
“Oh yeah. Hamilton. I’ve heard of him. Hee hee hee…”
I walked over to him.
Baldy had unbuckled his pants. I reached over and yanked his pants down. Underneath were green striped pajamas. He tried to yank his pants back up but I was too strong for him.
“HEY, FELLOWS, LOOK! JESUS CHRIST, HERE’S A GUY WHO WEARS HIS PAJAMAS TO SCHOOL!”
Baldy was struggling. His face was florid. A couple of guys walked over and looked. Then I did the worst. I yanked his pajamas down.
“AND LOOKY HERE! THE POOR FUCKER IS NOT ONLY BALD BUT HE DOESN’T HARDLY HAVE A COCK! WHAT IS THIS POOR FUCKER GOING TO DO WHEN HE CONFRONTS A WOMAN?”
Some big guy standing nearby said, “Chinaski, you’re really a piece of shit!”
“Yeah,” said a couple of other guys. “Yeah…yeah…” I heard other voices.
Baldy pulled his pants up. He was actually crying. He looked at the guys. “Well, Chinaski wears pajamas too! He was the guy who started me doing it! Look in his locker, just look in his locker!”
Baldy ran down to my locker and ripped the door open. He pulled all my clothing out. The pajamas weren’t in there.
“He’s hidden them! He’s hidden them somewhere!”
I left my clothes on the floor and walked out on the field for roll call. I stood in the second row. I did a couple of deep knee bends. I noticed another big guy behind me. I’d heard his name around, Sholom Stodolsky.
“Chinaski,