Happily Ever After_ - Benison Anne O'Reilly [36]
For a time there Tony took over almost all the domestic duties of the house. Maybe I should have been more grateful, but the self-righteous manner in which he performed these tasks (‘harrumph’ as he hung out the washing, ‘sniff’ as he packed the dishwasher) suggested this was less an act of consideration than one of self-preservation; he simply could not live in such a state of chaos.
With Isabel he was next to useless. His fallback position was ‘until they find a way for men to grow breasts I fail to see what use I can be’, but he kept up his regular fitness routine without offering me any reprieve and, unlike other new fathers I’d heard about, never once - unprompted at least - offered to bathe her or rock her or take her for a walk in the pram. But the single most insensitive thing he did during this time was complain if Isabel’s crying kept him awake at night, he who got uninterrupted sleep in hotels with room service whilst he was away.
He must have got some sleep because he managed to interview brilliantly for Cathay, as I knew he would, and was offered a job. The only thing I thought might go against him in the recruitment process was this perception of arrogance, but he had kept favour with enough senior guys (those he really did respect) to have good quality referees and if they weeded out all the pilots who could be accused of arrogance, well let’s just say the flying ranks would be rather thin.
This meant he had to disappear to Hong Kong for almost three months for ground school and line training. Just like that. My family was aghast at his lack of sensitivity but I was almost glad to see him go.
And when he left he had still not tried to touch me.
***
When Isabel was about five months old Mum called me one day to say she was coming over for a visit.
She made some tea and sat down across the kitchen table from me. Then, jiggling Isabel on her knee, she announced, ‘I have some news for you. I’ve just handed in my resignation at work - I’m taking early retirement.’
‘Oh…but I thought you were planning to stay on for a couple of years so you could redo the bathroom.’
‘I can do without a new bathroom I’ve decided. What I can’t do without is a happy daughter. I’ve been watching you slowly sink these past few months, especially with Tony away - I’m still angry with him about that, I don’t care if it was a good opportunity. Anyway, I think it would be best if you went back to work and I will look after Isabel for you.’
‘Mum, I can’t ask you to do that.’
‘You didn’t ask, I volunteered.’
‘But then I might not bond with her.’
‘Oh rubbish. It’s not like she’d be sitting in a child care centre for hours on end, Eleanor. Just think - her grandmother will be looking after her. I’m pretty experienced at this caper. So what do you think?’
I took a gulp of milky tea as tears of relief dripped down my face. I had kept this guilty secret to myself for months, too scared to acknowledge the truth. My little daughter had been so longed for that it had seemed disloyal to admit that I hated my life. And how could I separate the profound love I had for this baby from my feelings of utter incompetence as a mother? ‘The authorities’ had unwittingly given me responsibility for this tiny, deeply precious, life but I barely felt capable of looking after myself. Now finally the truth had been acknowledged: I was sinking. I didn’t have to pretend anymore. Who else but my mother could have sensed this?
‘No-one told me it would be like this Mum.’
‘No, no-one ever does, sweetheart. It’s a conspiracy to ensure the survival of the species. Having said that, Isabel is more demanding than most - but gorgeous aren’t you darling?’ she said, giving Issy a quick cuddle and smile to let her know there were no hard feelings. ‘Anyway, would you?’
I nodded. Now the tears flowed in earnest and Isabel was required to squish over so I could get a cuddle as well. I thought of all the times over the years when I’d complained about my mum being too bossy or too loud or too opinionated or even on