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and given a length of rope, which we had to form into various shapes as advised by Brad, the over-enthusiastic facilitator. I could see this being very useful when we got back to the office. My group was seriously hopeless at this too, which didn’t augur at all well for our team building prospects. (Did they suspect a cynic amongst their ranks?) In the second activity, which was obviously devised by some sexual pervert, we had to move closer and closer together in an increasingly shrinking roped-off space. This was apparently meant to encourage group communication and problem solving, but I suspect the guy from our training department just chose this one so he could get a chance to squash up next to the breasts of Rosanna, the voluptuous senior sales representative. Nonetheless, this was also the highpoint of proceedings for me as I got a chance to be up-close-and-personal with the gorgeous Alex, and was planning to brag about that to Melanie when I got back to work the next week. He had on the most divine aftershave. I briefly thought about asking him what brand it was, but decided it was too much of a personal question and might be misconstrued.

The third activity was the real clincher. We had to break up into our groups, take some butcher’s paper and black markers and devise our most inspirational team building quote. Then there was a competition to see which group’s quote was considered the best. This had a distinct air of unreality about it and I wanted to cry out, ‘Hey guys, we’re trying to sell a drug to help old guys get a hard on, not solving the world poverty crisis!’ Unfortunately, apart from Alex, my group was made up of a bunch of junior sales reps, still brimful with company enthusiasm (and probably not the most critical of thinkers at the best of times), so I kept my own counsel on the stupidity of this all.

Thus, I was mightily relieved when Alex whispered to me as we filed back inside, ‘I want it on the public record that I played no part in the selection of that last activity.’

Many of our sales representatives were new to this area, so the rest of the afternoon was taken up with an hour long presentation by a urology specialist (not Dr Howard), who explained all about erectile dysfunction and the pharmacology of Erecta and its competitors. After that it was time for drinks in the fireside function room, before we all retired to our suites to change for dinner. I was given the job of schmoozing the urologist, so after his presentation I chatted with him briefly outside before waving him off on the trip back to Sydney. Then I headed back to the function room for a much deserved glass of champagne. That’s when I detected an interesting change in atmosphere.

Perhaps it was because we’d just spent the last hour looking at PowerPoint slides of erect penises, labelled with evocative terms such as ‘rigidity’ and ‘tumescence’ (which to the uninitiated means engorgement); perhaps it was because we were all cocooned together in a luxury resort a long way from home and family; probably it was just the free alcohol; but, whatever the case, the mood in the room was definitely frisky that evening. It was then I began to suspect that there would indeed be some team bonding going on that weekend, just not of the type anticipated by our company’s executives. Not that I was planning to be party to any of that. I was looking forward to an enjoyable meal and a couple of sociable drinks before retiring to my room for a blissful night’s sleep on the smooth cotton sheets of my queen-sized bed, with no prospect of interruption from any pesky husbands or children.

However, as it happened, things panned out rather differently.

The first mistake I made was to call and check up on Isabel. I’d showered and changed and was just about to head downstairs for dinner when mummy guilt got the better of me. When Douglas first answered the phone, I thought for a second that there was perhaps an escaped convict loose in the house, but it quickly became apparent that Pamela and Isabel were having a fight. Pamela grabbed the phone and said,