Happily Ever After_ - Benison Anne O'Reilly [69]
For a moment I got cross and thought, so he was only nice to me because he wanted to get into my pants and really he is just a self-serving bastard like most of the other cowboys in marketing. But then I reconsidered; he was usually pleasant with everyone, not just with me. He was even nice to Carmen, our Bolivian cleaner who was near retirement age and had varicose veins and a large hairy mole on her face. If he was trying to get into her pants he had some serious issues to deal with. I had to assume that wasn’t his agenda.
But what did it really matter? I was married to Tony and for Isabel’s sake it was my responsibility to get my marriage back on track, not to start thinking about handsome alternatives to my husband. Although, ‘handsome’ was a barely adequate word to describe this man…
I was tossing and turning under the blankets with all these thoughts bumping around when Tony arrived home. The Wallabies had got up for a last-gasp win and he was in a good mood. I couldn’t believe it when he got into bed and started to make a move on me. We had barely spoken all week but that didn’t seem to be an issue for him. Maybe it was his way of making amends but it was a pretty inadequate way in my view. Still, to avoid another argument I went along with it all, even pretending I was interested. I got my revenge by fantasising that my husband was someone else altogether.
First thing on my agenda when I arrived at work the following Tuesday was a meeting with our entire department, including Alex. I gave him a small smile to indicate there were no hard feelings and saw him visibly relax. Then I felt my face warm when I remembered what I’d been imagining us up to on Saturday night, but if he saw this I’m sure he just interpreted it as some understandable awkwardness on my part.
Now that the air was cleared we were able to revert back to our professional relationship and things, to all appearances, returned to normal.
But, as you know, appearances can be deceptive. Now I knew.
And of course, he knew I knew, too.
And now that he knew I knew, every action of his took on extra meaning. He continued to visit my office less frequently than he had before and from that day stopped saving me a seat at meetings. When he did have cause to speak to me he kept things businesslike and courteous, there was less personal chitchat or jokes to liven proceedings anymore.
Once these small courtesies were withdrawn I felt their loss keenly. Up to this point I had failed to realise how important his attentions had been to my brittle self-esteem. In my more fragile moments I interpreted this change in behaviour as a cooling of his interest in me and felt as bereft as any forsaken lover. But at other times I was convinced that Alex was just trying to put some distance between us. The one thing he couldn’t seem to stop himself doing was looking at me and the reason I knew this was because now I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him.
One day when we’d just finished at a meeting and he was gathering up his papers, I lingered behind the others and mustering all my courage said, ‘Please don’t feel you need to avoid me, Alex. I am a big girl and don’t need protection. I am fine with this all.’
He kept on gathering his papers and walked to the door without saying a word. But just as he was about to leave the room he turned to me and said, ‘I thought it was what you wanted.’
‘Oh I don’t know what I want these days.’
‘Even so, I think it’s better for both of us this way,’ he said, fixing his eyes firmly on mine. ‘But promise me this. If you decide to ever leave that undeserving husband of yours, can I be first in the queue?’
With that I knew that nothing had changed. He was mine if I wanted and thenceforth I could think of nothing else.
How did this happen so quickly? I could barely understand that myself. His desirability had never been in question, but I had believed him unattainable - partnered - and certainly never dreamt he’d be interested in me. That had all been thrown on its head by his Friday