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What was it about my breasts? I had never thought them particularly remarkable; they are certainly no more than average-sized. I began to feel they must have had some special quality that I was unaware of. Whatever it was I was very grateful for it, and made a mental note to take them aside and thank them personally when I got home.

‘So, all this time, when I thought you were admiring my sparkling wit and business acumen, you were really just thinking, “Phwoar, nice tits”,’ I said, doing my best bricklayer’s impersonation.

‘Not all the time. I noticed those other things too.’

‘If you’re such a breast man I’m wondering why you didn’t go after Amanda. I hear she’s single these days’.

‘Well perhaps because she’s an evil cow.’

‘You noticed?’

‘Oh yeah, I had her sussed within a couple of days.’

Alex was amazing. I had no idea that he had seen through Amanda. He was always polite and friendly towards her and I had actually heard that, since she’d broken up with her long term partner, she’d had him in her sights. If only she knew!

‘Besides,’ he said, ‘I’m more into quality rather than quantity. Her boobs are so out of proportion with the rest of her body. I’m sure they must be fake. What a stick insect - if you bent her over your knee I bet you could snap her in two.’

‘Yes, and I’ve often wanted to.’

He laughed. ‘Ah, a bit of history there is there? Anyway, you can rest easy. I don’t find her attractive at all.’

Actually I don’t think Amanda’s are fake but I wasn’t going to tell him that. It’s possible my husband was on to something when he said I was becoming a bitch because I certainly took malicious pleasure from this little snippet of conversation.

***

‘I am still trying to work out how you thought I had a girlfriend all that time,’ he said later, as he ran his fingers through my hair. I had recently been thinking about getting it all cut off but now was having serious second thoughts.

‘Don’t remind me. I feel a right royal goose about that. I just assumed your sister was your girlfriend and thought it rude to pry, since you weren’t very forthcoming. As a matter of fact, I was envious of how loving you looked in that photo.’

‘I do love her but not in that way. There are laws against that sort of thing.’

‘Besides, in my defence, you did give off a vibe that you liked to keep things to yourself.’

‘Did I?…I guess I was a bit quiet early on because I didn’t want to talk about Julie. And apart from that I didn’t really have a private life - well, not one fit to talk about with my work colleagues anyway.’

‘Aha, you had a wild phase, did you?’ I enquired, eyebrow arched. I had a brief vision of a queue of gorgeous twenty-somethings outside the door, all lining up to be sired by him. Suddenly I felt rather staid and middle-aged and cursed my decision not to have that Brazilian done when I could. It was too late now; Tony would get suspicious.

‘For a while, but it’s not really me. I was completely faithful to my girlfriend for three years - I was planning to marry her - but when that all went sour I felt the need to cut loose. You’re not shocked are you?’

‘Not in the least, but maybe I do have to worry about catching something after all.’

‘No I was careful and used protection. For a start I don’t want any girls coming up to me claiming I’m the father of their unborn child. It’s not that I don’t want kids, but I want to choose who I have them with - and when.’

‘You haven’t used protection with me.’

‘Well this wasn’t planned…’

‘I take my pills religiously,’ I assured him. ‘I’m certainly not planning another baby anytime soon.’

Turning on my side, leaning on an elbow, and fixing him with my most forensic stare I said, ‘So if your girlfriend’s name was Julie, who was Bec?’

‘How’d you know about her?’

‘I took a call from her at the airport after the urologist’s conference in April, remember?’

‘For someone who claimed she wasn’t interested in me back then you seem to have taken a keen interest in my love life.’

‘Alex, I am female.