Happily Ever After_ - Benison Anne O'Reilly [79]
‘Could you at least pretend to be interested,’ he said after a while.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’re so damn passive these days.’
‘Okay…I didn’t realise it was such a big deal.’
I pushed him away, commanded him to ‘lie down’, stripped back the sheets, straddled him and took his penis in my mouth. As he moaned quietly I felt him grow hard within me. Then, when I’d got him to just the right state of excitement, I jumped off, stripped off my pyjamas, got down on my haunches and said, ‘Take me from behind’. He didn’t require a second invitation. I didn’t do this because I wanted to pretend he was Alex. It was because I didn’t want him to see the tears. Crying during sex was starting to become an irritating habit.
Although it hadn’t been his intention, Tony had summed me up perfectly. A braver woman would have tackled things much earlier but the years I’d spent tiptoeing around, trying - and for the most part failing - not to displease him, had turned me into a sad passive creature that I barely recognised. He’d been the first to put up the barriers but I had given up the fight far too easily. The confident and purposeful Ellie that fronted up to the office four days a week was a fraud.
He came in a series of violent shudders. ‘Wow, after a slow start that was some of the best sex we’ve had for ages,’ he said once he’d recovered his breath.
I was tempted to say: ‘Maybe from where you were sitting buddy,’ but that was an argument I didn’t need to have right now. I responded with, ‘What’s that term they are always talking about in the Iraq War? An exit strategy - that’s what’s needed.’
‘What are you going on about?’
‘An exit strategy out of this marriage. I know you were discussing me earlier with your brother.’
‘What did you hear?’
‘Not much - just the tail end of what Andrew said, but I got the gist. Do you want to tell me more?’
‘No, but I don’t want to end our marriage either.’
‘Well marriage is more than just sex and I need more from you. The trouble is I am no longer sure you are capable of giving that to me. You are clearly unhappy and in my opinion checked out of this marriage a long time ago.’
‘You’re wrong.’
‘Am I? Anyway, I can’t go on like this. I want you to make a decision by the end of the year where you want to be - one way or another - and if things don’t change for the better I think we should talk about splitting up.’
‘Where did this all suddenly come from?’
‘Oh Tony, it’s been coming a long time.’
***
To which young man did I owe this sudden burst of decisiveness: Alex or Andrew? I think it was my brother-in-law, although you may disagree. When third parties are better informed about your husband’s state of mind than you are, you know your marriage is in big trouble. I had sat back and let our communication deteriorate to an almost terminal point.
In any case my ultimatum was not inspired by some romantic notion that Alex and I were going to sail off into the sunset together. I was no longer a girl who believed in fairytale endings. I was not expecting my connection with Alex to lead anywhere in the long term. What we were both seeking, I felt, was a transitional relationship: he to get over Julie and me to ease out of my marriage to Tony, if he decided to walk, which I suspected he would.
Even so, I’d decided by Monday that this thing was going nowhere in the short term, either. It had too much potential to end badly. There might be some husbands who could cope with their wife’s infidelity but Tony was not one of them. I knew he would hit the roof if he found out and go after custody of Issy to exact his revenge. If I had to change jobs to extricate myself from the Alex thing, so be it. I was now suitably well credentialed to seek positions elsewhere and Issy was old enough to cope with me working full-time.
This resolution lasted at least five minutes into the Tuesday morning. Oh God, if you could meet this boy, I think you’d understand.
He was in my office at the first available opportunity and shut the door behind him.
‘How are you?’ he said in a loud whisper,