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‘Oh great - so where does that leave us then?’

‘Look I’m sure his behaviour won’t last. He’s made similar promises before and not kept them.’

‘What if he does this time? After seeing him I have a whole different understanding of why you might want to stay.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well I wasn’t expecting you to be married to an ugly guy, but then again I wasn’t expecting you to be married to…I don’t know…Thor the God of Thunder.’

‘Oh get lost. You’re just as good looking as Tony - better, if you ask me.’

‘No, I’m not. I look like a bloody girl. All guys want to be the big macho guy and ultimately that’s what girls like best, too.’

‘Not this girl. I love your body,’ I said, although the Ellie of ten years earlier might have agreed with him. Back then, I’d felt that nothing could go wrong when I was enclosed in my husband’s big, strong arms. Of course that all proved to be an illusion - he’d been unable to protect me from the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Instead he had hurt me, never physically, but viscerally just the same. Now my tastes were more refined I found Alex’s sleekly-muscled body just as desirable. That statement, at least, wasn’t a lie.

‘This is not about dick size is it?’ I asked. I knew this was a loaded topic with men.

‘No! I am more than happy with myself in that department. Why, shouldn’t I be?’

‘Yes…I mean no…I mean you should be happy! Besides…’

‘Besides what?’

‘No nothing.’

‘No tell me.’

‘I shouldn’t really say this…but…you’re a better lover than him.’

‘Now you’re just saying that to make me feel better.’

‘No I’m not.’

‘Well give me an example.’

‘That would be inappropriate. Let’s just say you’re more inventive.’

‘Oh come on now you’ll have to give me more than that otherwise I’ll think you’re just making it up.’

‘Hmm…well okay…I’ll go for the most obvious. You know the expression it’s better to give than to receive.’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, when it comes to oral sex, I don’t think Tony really believes that.’

‘What, he never…’

‘No - not never - but only when he’s had a bit to drink and even then not particularly enthusiastically. I think it might have something to do with his germ phobia. And believe me when someone is doing it just to be polite, you’d really rather they not bother.’

‘Really, I can’t believe that…I love it.’

‘Yes, I’d noticed. It’s one of my favourite things about you.’

‘So you’re not staying because you’d prefer to be with him.’

‘No, that’s not it at all. It’s all about my daughter.’

Now girls, if you ever want to make your man really happy tell him he is a better lover than his rivals (past and present), although it would probably be better for all concerned if it was actually true, otherwise there would be no incentive for him to lift his game. Fortunately in my case it did happen to be true. Alex swaggered around like a Wild West gunslinger for several days after that.

I, on the other hand, felt dreadful. In my eagerness to appease Alex I had revealed personal confidences about Tony that I should never have. I had broken those rules of engagement in the worst possible way and been disloyal to a husband who, whatever his past sins, was currently trying his best to woo me back. It’s peculiar but I felt this was even worse a betrayal than having sex with Alex. I think it was about this time that my conscience started to reassert itself and the good twin got a few grasping outstretched fingers back on the controls. She hadn’t disappeared completely, it seemed.

17

A fork in the road

Not long after this Tony announced he was taking some time off work. He said he was impatient to finish off the formal dining room so we could finally look at selling the house. Part of me was reluctant to give up my home - it now looked fabulous - but it was also the repository of lots of unhappy memories so I agreed in principle. If Tony had suggested this a few months earlier I would have thought he was finalising things so we could cut our losses and part company. Now that seemed a lot less likely.