Happily Ever After_ - Benison Anne O'Reilly [94]
Alex was a good guy but he was hardly perfect - after all, he was fooling around with the wife of another man. Our recent times together had been made tense by his jealousy and impatience. I wouldn’t have expected or even wanted Alex to be perfect, but if I split with Tony and it got ugly would he have the patience to stick by me during difficult times? A man who fell in love so easily might fall out of it again equally quickly. What if I ended things with Tony and remained in Sydney as a single mum and then when push came to shove Alex decided he no longer wanted me? Isabel would be the innocent casualty of my selfishness, just at the time she’d finally been granted the daddy I’d always dreamed of.
On the other hand my husband’s character flaws were known to me. He was a known quantity. The years we’d lived together but apart had eroded away the love I’d had for him and all that was left now was a small kernel of affection: more a remembrance of that love than the real thing. But it was still there and with time we might be able to build on it, especially with some distance at last between us and the influence of his mother.
What rankled most was the thought I might have played more than a bit part in my marriage woes. I’d worn my innocent victim’s robes for many years now, and found the cut suited me well. Now my contribution to the sorry mess had been revealed: it was true that I had been resentful; it was true I had often knocked him back for sex back then, sacrificing intimacy in a misguided pursuit of sperm quality; and when I thought about the months after William’s death my husband was little more than a hazy background figure. It seems that while working through my own grief I had left him to suffer alone. Was it any wonder that he hadn’t dealt with it properly?
Ultimately I knew that none of this justified adultery, but did anything really justify adultery?
Hmmm.
There was only one sensible decision I could make. It was the best decision for Isabel and her needs took priority. Telling Alex would be unbearably painful but it had to be done. If only I’d known our last time together - so snappy and unsatisfactory - would be our last.
The next day was sunny so Tony, Isabel and I took a bus into the city. Issy, dressed in her favourite white-patterned sundress, was goggled-eyed at the spectacle. Who’d have thought the daughter of an airline pilot would get so excited by an everyday trip on a government bus? We walked to the Botanic Gardens and set up our picnic lunch in a sunny spot overlooking the harbour. This was my first step in saying goodbye to my home town, although Tony assured me it would not be forever. He was keen to return by the time our children were of high school age. I took this to mean he wanted his son to attend his old school, following in the footsteps of his father and grandfather.
‘You know even if we do have another baby there is no guarantee it will be a boy,’ I said. ‘In fact it’s probably more likely to be another girl. You realise that don’t you? I don’t want it to be the cause of further problems.’
‘Yes I know, but we did conceive a boy once. And I was told by someone that Chinese herbalists can give you herbs that increase the odds of you having a boy…or a girl if that’s what you’re after.’
‘Hmm, if only things were that easy, but I suppose it’s worth a try. But you’re not allowed to tell Emma. She’ll never let me live it down if she finds out. And remember there can be no guarantees.’
‘I know, I know. And seriously how could I complain if we had another like Isabel.’ We both looked towards our daughter. She had found a companion, a smaller boy, and they were making a game of jumping off a low stone fence together. ‘Mum’s going to miss her dreadfully.’
‘Even if she’s a bit spoilt.’
‘Yeah.’ He smiled and swung an arm over my shoulder in a lazy, sunny afternoon way.
‘You’re pretty pleased with yourself right now,’ I said.
‘Relieved to get things back on track, more likely…You know, I’m starting to think we’d be better off now if I’d stayed at Qantas instead