Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [40]
But what’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To get your attention. Is it working in your home? Probably, if you’re reading this! So what can you do?
Establish a bedtime routine if you don’t have one. The shorter and simpler, the better. Once that routine is established, follow it. Then, once the kids are in bed, insist firmly that’s the end. The kids need to stay in bed.
Warning: Your kids know how to play the bedtime game really well. Some kids will go to bed just fine, and you’ll heave a happy sigh. Then, a half hour later, you’ll see little eyes peering out at you from the stairway. The children will insist they need . . . well, something. If this sounds familiar, try this tactic: without even turning your head or acknowledging the child, simply say, “It’s bedtime. You need to go back to bed,” and return your attention to whatever you were doing. There will probably be a hesitation, perhaps even a request again for a snack, for water, or to take them back to bed, but ignore it. Simply go about your business. As far as you’re concerned, the bedtime routine is over. The bedtime job is done, and now you’re on to something else.
What about the child who shows up in your bedroom at night? If your child slithers into your bed on occasion in the middle of the night, that’s a molehill. If your kid slithers into your bed every night at 2 a.m., that’s a mountain. Why? Because your child doesn’t belong there.
With all respect to the advocates of the family bed, I believe wholeheartedly in the philosophy that every child needs a bedroom separate from their parents’. Children need a place to identify as their own space. And that’s true of a husband and wife too. How can you and your spouse develop a solid, lasting foundation—one that will continue after the children are gone—if you don’t have one place in the house where you can be with each other without interruption? How exactly can you get it on with two little bodies in bed between you?
If your child continually gets up in the middle of the night and crawls in with you, close and lock your door to keep the little disruption away. For those of you who are worriers, what’s the worse thing that can happen? You’ll wake up and find the little nipper curled up with her blankie or pillow outside your bedroom door.
Does that mean you should never comfort your child in the middle of the night? Certainly not. What I’m talking about is continual behavior, not the once-in-a-while behavior.
Thunderstorms will come and things will go bump in the night. Your child will get sick, wake up from a nightmare feeling scared, or be sad because of a real-life situation. As the parent, you are the psychological blankie for your child, and that child does need you sometimes. So here’s what I suggest for those times: keep a sleeping bag under your bed. If your child is scared and wants to feel close to you, let her know she can pull out the sleeping bag and lie down in it next to your bed without waking you up. That way your child gets the psychological closeness she craves, and you can still function the next day because you’ve had a good night’s sleep. You also retain your bed as your space in your child’s perspective.
For those of you with young children, do not climb into your kid’s bed to snuggle with her when you accompany her back to bed. If you do so, you’re reinforcing the attention-getting behavior. And you’re also violating the child’s individual space that she needs to be solely hers. If you violate her bedroom space, why would she not violate yours?
Also, moms (who are especially tempted with this one), do not take naps with your child in his bed, or he won’t be able to take naps without Mommy sleeping with him. Think about it this way: if you were little, would you rather go to sleep by yourself, watching