Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [61]
I’m convinced that what children need is not labels but one-on-one attention from Mom and Dad. If a child doesn’t receive the attention she needs, she will act out (find ways to get that attention), whether in positive or negative ways.
If you have concerns about your child, don’t take a nonprofessional’s word for it. Far too many children have been misdiagnosed. Go to a pediatrician who is behaviorally trained or find a true expert in the field. I’ve been a psychologist for four decades and have never given a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. Without multiple testing by an expert in that field, I would never hang a label on a child. Instead, I ask the parent, “What do you want your child to be like?” and then I help that parent get the child there. I also gently correct misconceptions parents may have about their children. For example, if your child has an IQ of 85, she won’t be a rocket scientist. But she is most likely gifted in other areas that you can encourage.
If you want a responsible child, give him age-appropriate responsibility. If you want a respectful child, show her respect. If you want a kind child, model kindness. If you want a mouthy child, be mouthy.
You see, power doesn’t come from thin air; it’s modeled. If there’s something about your child you don’t like, they’ve probably seen it in action from you and are simply modeling it.
So before you put a label on your child or accept a label about your child from anyone else, why not work on the behaviors you want to see changed?
Ignoring Parents
“She acts like I’m not even there.”
“I have to walk 5 steps behind her, like I don’t even exist.”
“He never listens to anything I say.”
What’s going on here? What’s the purposive nature of the behavior? Ignoring you is actually a way of getting your attention! He’s ignoring me, you think. Something must be wrong. So you start doing loops around your child, trying to break through to him, trying to get him to talk. And he remains silent. Why? It’s a power struggle—to see who is dominant in the home and to see how far you’ll go to make him happy.
If this is happening, the “B doesn’t happen unless A is completed” principle works very nicely. If your child is ignoringyou, you don’t have to take her to a friend’s house, do you? If your teenage son is ignoring you and goes to find the car keys in their usual spot, those keys could be “missing”—in your pocket. If your child is ignoring you, there could be one less spot at the dinner table. If you don’t exist in his world, why should you cook or provide dinner for him?
Remember, an unhappy child is a healthy child. Your job as a parent is not to make your child happy. It’s to raise a child who will be a productive, responsible, and respectful member of society.
The key to the turnaround is your own behavior—your consistency, your follow-through, and your calm, reasonable manner. If you get angry and say, “What’s your problem?” your powerful child wins.
Internet Use
Let’s face it. We live in a high-tech world, and a lot of us parents are anything but high-tech. However, computers and the Internet are a fact of life, and every child growing up today will be miles ahead of their parents in computer skills. My children certainly are!
That means you’ll never be able to keep up with them, but you also need to be savvy about what your children are using the computer for. The Internet is a wonderful source of information for school projects. But it can also be a tremendous danger.
Would you ever let your 13-year-old walk into a strip club or a porn shop? Would you let your 16-year-old take the car and go to the sleaziest part of town to check out the prostitutes? Would you let your 11-year-old hang out with pedophiles? Of course