Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [76]
Interestingly, this type of perfectionism happens especially with firstborns and “only” children in a family. It makes sense if you keep in mind that their models in life are adults. Just Ma and Pa are around. No younger siblings.
What is the purposive nature of the behavior of being overly cautious? To get out of a task the child doesn’t want to do for fear of failure. In overcaution, as in all things, your relationship with your child is what makes the difference. So tell your child what you do well and where your blind spots are. She needs to see you laughing at yourself instead of taking yourself seriously and getting upset when you make a mistake. Then, when she needs to get a task done, take her by the hand and do together what needs to be done. Don’t let overcaution be a deterrent to completing that job or task.
As you work through overcaution together, your child will gain confidence. Then her fear of failure will be dimmed, with some successes under her belt.
Parties (Birthday Parties/Teen Parties)
Do you feel like you have to give your children to-die-for birthday parties? Why exactly is that? Do you fear your child will miss out on something? That you won’t be labeled a good parent if you don’t deliver—and deliver big?
Whatever happened to “invite the kids over after school forcupcakes in the backyard”? In the quiz in the preface, I mentioned these overthetop parties:
•Seven-year-old Rosa’s parents chartered a bus and took her and multiple friends to a city 115 miles away so they each could “Build a Bear”; then they celebrated with cake and ice cream at an ice cream parlor.
• Five-year-old Mikey’s parents rented the stadium club that overlooked an athletic field.
• Marti, a single mom, spent a whole month’s income on her 10-year-old daughter’s birthday party.
Oftentimes I’ve found that it’s the parents, not the children, who up the ante on themselves. Under the surface is the drive to prove themselves as good parents in keeping up with the Joneses. But is that really what children want? Most young children I know just want to run around the yard, have fun, maybe play in the sprinkler or with water balloons, and eat ice cream and cake. To them, that’s a party they can enjoy.
The Lupkin family has a birthday party rule that everyone in the family follows. Other than immediate family members, each child can invite one additional special guest each time he turns a year older. That means the 6-year-old can have 6 friends over for an at-home party. The 15-year-old can have 15 friends over. That has kept this family of 6 children out of the craziness of inviting an entire classroom over for each child’s birthday.
For teen parties, why not offer to have the party at your house? You don’t need an expensive limo for prom—and who really wants their child off somewhere with a date you barely know and a lot of pressure to drink and have sex? But you do need to know exactly what is going on (you don’t have to hover, but a few well-timed and well-placed walk-throughs are important). Even better, your child will be home and in a safe environment, and you don’t have to be up late worrying about who is driving her home (or if that person is drunk). When you weigh the food bills against the worry and safety issues, who cares about buying some extra party food?
The most important thing to decide is what kind of parties you will do and not do—and then stick with that decision, even if you’re challenged by the child or a well-meaning friend or relative, who thinks you ought to do more than you do.
Peer Group/Friends
Peer influence is extremely important in your child’s life, and it only ramps up as your child reaches the adolescent and teen years.
Years ago a classic study of peer pressure