Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [92]
In 95 percent of the cases, that remark would prod little Annie to become more proactive about going over and starting to play with those children. Why? Because in her heart of hearts, she really doesn’t want to go home. She wants to play with those children. She just wanted everything her way, the easy way.
The wise parent won’t fall for it.
The other day I overheard an interesting conversation between second graders who were on their way to visit a retirement home for their school field trip.
Kimmy, the first little girl, declared, “Well, I’m not going to talk to those old people. I’m shy.”
Kayla, the second child, paused. “You know what shy is? My mommy says that being shy is thinking about yourself instead of thinking about others. It’s being selfish. It’s saying, ‘I’m more important than you.’”
I wanted to cheer Kayla on. Especially when I saw the look of utter confusion on Kimmy’s face.
What Kayla said was entirely true. Shy children are saying “me, me, me”—but in a way so quiet that oftentimes parents miss it. The wise parent, however, will see shyness for what it really is: a manipulative tool for a child to get her way. (See also “Selfishness.”)
Sibling Rivalry
Years ago I wrote a book on birth order and how it affects children in the family. My working title was Abel Had It Coming, but my publisher said we couldn’t have a title like that. So they sloughed it off and came up with a more provocative title: The Birth Order Book.
Sibling rivalry has been around forever, ever since Cain and Abel duked it out in the backyard and Abel lost. If you have more than one child, you will always have sibling rivalry in your home. But if you want to keep it to a minimum, make sure the children are accountable for it.
Let’s say your daughter complains, “She wore my sweater and left it in a pile. Now I want to wear it, and it’s dirty!”
If you as a parent get in the middle of that battle, you’ll get chewed up and spit out. What is that saying—“where angels fear to tread”? You don’t get between warring siblings.
Since fighting is an act of cooperation, both siblings need to be held accountable. Get them in a room together and let them duke it out. I can guarantee that one of them will end up washing the sweater so it’s wearable again.
If your children start fighting in the car (see “Fighting in the Car”), turn the car around and go home. Then don’t go anywhere the kids want to go for the rest of the day. Once you do that, your children will think either, Mom’s losin’ it, or, Guess we got her attention. But it didn’t work out quite the way we thought it would, that’s for sure.
Either way your smart kids will figure out that it doesn’t make sense to do things that don’t get rewarded. Too many parents unknowingly reward the negative things their children do as a result of an immature personality. When the rewards stop, the behavior will stop.
I guarantee it.
Slamming Doors
Bang! There it goes again—another slammed door down the hallway.
Slamming doors gets old, really old. Even worse is the attitude that’s implied by the behavior.
The attitude is saying, I don’t like you. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t really want to be a part of this family.
If this is happening in your home continually (I’m not talking about a onetime situation—who hasn’t let a door slam just a little louder than needed when ticked off?), you have a kid who’s got attitude with a capital A. He keeps you running from crisis to crisis. His mood controls the rest of thefamily’s moods, including yours.
That child needs the bread-and-water treatment. I talked about this in “Lack of Cooperation with Family” in more length, but let me summarize here. Everything stops. That means you do nothing that he wants to do until he stops slamming doors. When he wants to know, “What’s the deal?” you answer calmly, “Rob, you don’t seem to want