Henderson the Rain King - Saul Bellow [151]
death so hard. As I had tried to stop his bleeding, there was blood all over me and soon it was dry. I tried to rub it off. Well, I thought, maybe this is a sign that I should continue his existence? How? To the best of my ability. But what ability have I got? I can't name three things in my whole life that I did right. So I broke my heart over this, too. Thus the day passed and the night passed, too, and in the morning I felt light, dry and hollow. As if I were drifting, like an old vat. All the moisture was on the outside. Inside, I was hollow, dark, and dry; I was sober and empty. And the sky was pink. I saw it through the bars of the door. The Bunam's black-leather man, still in his coat of white, was our custodian, and brought us baked yams and other fruit. Two amazons, but not Tamba and Bebu, were his staff, and everyone treated me with peculiar deference. During the day I said to Romilayu, "Dahfu said that when he died I should be king." "Dem call you Yassi, sah." "Does that mean king?" That was what it meant. "Some king," I said, musing. "It's goofy." Romilayu made no comment whatever. "I would have to be husband to all those wives." "You no like dat, sah?" "Are you crazy, man?" I said. "How could I even think of taking over that bunch of females? I have all the wife I need. Lily is just a marvelous woman. Anyway, the king's death has hurt me too much. I am stricken, can't you see, Romilayu? I am stricken down and I can't function at all. This has broken me." "You no look so too-bad, sah." "Oh, you want to make me feel better. But you should see my heart, Romilayu. I have a punchy heart. It's had more beating than it can take. They've kicked it around far too much. Don't let this big carcass of mine fool you. I am far too sensitive. Anyway, Romilayu, it's true I shouldn't have bet against the rain on that day. It didn't look like good will on my part. But the king, God bless the guy, let me walk into a trap. I wasn't really stronger than that man Turombo. He could have lifted up Mummah. He just didn't want to become the Sungo. He faked himself out of it. It's too dangerous a position. This the king did to me." "But him dange'ah too," said Romilayu. "Yes, and so he was. Why should I ask to have it better than he? You're right, old fellow. Thanks for setting me straight." I thought a while, then asked him, as a man of proven good sense, "Don't you think I'd scare those girls?" I grimaced to illustrate my meaning somewhat. "My face is half the length of another person's body." "I don't t'ink so, sah." "Isn't it?" I touched it. "Well, I won't stay, anyhow. Though I will never have another chance to become a king, I guess." And thinking deeply about the great man, just dead, just settled for good and all into nothing, into dark night, I felt he had picked me to step into his place. It was up to me, if I wanted to turn my back on home, where I had been nothing. He believed that I was royal material, and that I might make good use of a chance to start life anew. And so I sent my thanks to him, through the stone wall. But I said to Romilayu, "No, I'd break my heart here trying to fill his position. Besides, I have to go home. And anyway, I am no stud. No use kidding, I am fifty-six, or going on it. I'd shake in my boots that the wives might turn me in. And I'd have to live under the shadow of the Bunam and Horko and those people, and never be able to face old Queen Yasra, the king's mother. I made her a promise. Oh, Romilayu, as if I had ability to promise anything on. Let's get out of here. I feel like a lousy impostor. The only decent thing about me is that I have loved certain people in my life. Oh, the poor guy is dead. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! It kills me. It could be time we were blown off this earth. If only we didn't have hearts we wouldn't know how sad it was. But we carry around these hearts, these spotty damn mangoes in our breasts, which give us away. And it isn't only that I'm scared of all those wives, but there'll be nobody to talk to any more. I've gotten to that age where I need human voices and intelligence.