Henderson the Rain King - Saul Bellow [37]
were so red, when I was standing in my velvet bathrobe under the green blackness of the pine tree, when the sun was like the coat of a fox, and the animals were barking, when the crows were harsh on that golden decay of the stubble--my gums were hurting sharply then, and now similarly; and with this all my difficult, worried, threatening arrogance appeared to fade from me, and even the hardness of my belly kind of relented and sank down. I said to Prince Itelo, "Look, Your Highness, could you arrange it for me to have a real talk with the queen?" "You don't talk?" he said, somewhat surprised. "You do talk, Mistah Henderson." "Oh, a real talk, I mean. Not sociable fiddle-faddle. In earnest," I said. "About the wisdom of life. Because I know she's got it and I wouldn't leave without a sample of it. I'd be crazy to." "Oh, yes. Very good, very good," he said. "Oh, all right. As you have won me I do not refuse you a difficult interpretation." "So you know what I mean?" I said. "This is great. This is wonderful. I'll be grateful till my dying day, Prince. You have no idea how this fills my cup." The younger sister of Bittahness, Mtalba, meanwhile was holding my hand, and I said, "What does she want?" "Oh, she have a strong affection for you. Don' you see she is the most beautiful woman and you the strongest of strong men. You have won her heart." "Hell with her heart," I said. Then I began to think how to open a discussion with Willatale. What should I concentrate on? Marriage and happiness? Children and family? Duty? Death? The voice that said _I__ _want__? (How could I explain this to her and to Itelo?) I had to find the simplest, most essential points, and all my thinking happens to be complicated. Here is a sample of such thinking, which happens to be precisely what I had on my mind as I stood in that parched courtyard under the mild shade of the thatch; Lily, my after-all dear wife, and she is the irreplaceable woman, wanted us to end each other's solitude. Now she was no longer alone, but I still was, and how did that figure? Next step: help may come either from other human beings or--from a different quarter. And between human beings there are only two alternatives, either brotherhood or crime. And what makes the good such liars? Why, they lie like fish. Evidently they believe there have to be crimes, and lying is the most useful crime, as at least it is on behalf of good. Well, when push comes to shove, I am for the good, all right, but I am very suspicious of them. So, in short, what's the best way to live? However, I couldn't start at such an advanced point of my thought with the woman of Bittahness. I would have to work my way forward slowly so as to be sure of my ground. Therefore I said to Itelo, "Now please tell the queen for me, friend, that it does wonderful things for me simply to see her. I don't know whether it's her general appearance or the lion skin or what I feel emanating from her--anyway, it puts my soul at rest." This was transmitted by Itelo and then the queen leaned forward with a tiny falter of her stout body, smiling, and spoke. "She say she like to see you, too." "Oh, really." I was beaming. "This is simply great. This is a big moment for me. The skies are opening up. It's a great privilege to be here." Taking away my hand from Mtalba I put my arm around the prince and I shook my head, for I was utterly inspired and my heart was starting to brim over. "You know, you are really a stronger fellow than I am," I said. "I am strong all right, but it's the wrong kind of strength; it's coarser; because I'm desperate. Whereas you really are strong--just strong." The prince was affected by this and started to deny it, but I said, "Look, take it from me. If I tried to explain in detail it would be months and months before you even got a glimmer of what gives. My soul is like a pawn shop. I mean it's filled with unredeemed pleasures, old clarinets, and cameras, and moth-eaten fur. But," I said, "let's not get into a debate over it. I am only trying to tell you how you make me feel out here in this tribe. You're